Reply To Your Suicide Note ( Five Years Later )

(http://www.friendship-poems.com/poems.php?id=861084)

First version of the poem.

---------------------------------------------------------

This is the hardest poem I have ever had to write
but in the end I owe this one to you.
Firstly I apologize for the first version of this poem,
I was young and talentless when it came to poetry
and so the anger took control of my words.
I hated you for leaving me, for breaking our pact
and for leaving me with this guilt.
Now I have grown and I cannot blame you for things
I have attempted to achieve myself.
You left me a letter and I tried to reply,
I failed, and so here I will try again.

Ten years later and the pain is still red raw,
the memories so vivid play on repeat
like a movie which is saved inside my head.
I can see your body lying there
motionless on the ground
with an audience standing by.
Puddles of crimson blood
mixed with your black tears
were formed beneath your head.
Bystanders judging you
by the site they witnessed
in front of their clueless eyes.
You do not deserve to be misjudged
or remembered for what you were not:
" a coward who ran from life"
As the police offer said:
" what does a thirteen year old girl
have to feel depressed about?"

Well let me tell the truth:

Every night we watched you battle
with the devils in your family
who tortured you in vain.
A drug addicted mother
who left for weeks at a time
with men she never knew.
Leaving you with your father
who made you take her place
in their marital bed.
Night after night your innocence stolen,
bruises appearing on your cheeks
from the defence you tried to make.
In the end you told your mother
who brushed it to the side,
slapped you on the cheek, then walked away for good.
You put up with this for so many years
until the day your stomach expanded
and something inside it grew.
Confiding in your older brother
was something you had to do
to find protection for yourself.
If only we could have known his cruel intentions
of becoming a sick minded man
like the devil who raised him.
They made you abort your baby
when you were only 13 years old,
just a child still yourself.
Both continued to abuse you daily
leaving you with no family to turn to
and no one to love your soul.

By fate we found each other
and by choice we became best friends
which grew into a pack of six.
Together we made a pact to survive,

to live each day together...

or to kill all six together.

We all knew what it was like
to be abused by those we loved
and neglected by the blind society.
The people who chose to close their eyes
and ignore what the signs all said,
because they feared to get involved.
So six teenage girls so vulnerable inside,
had only each other to talk to
and to try and heal the wounds.
I promised you true friendship
which meant unconditional love
and forever open arms.
I admire you for the bravery
because you always told the truth
even though they said you lied.
You tried and tried and tried again
to make the monsters stop
and to end their evil ways.
Even through all the black eyes,
the broken ribs and scarred arms,
they still refused to see.
The community knew your family well
and feared their own safety
before they thought of protecting yours.
Unfortunately this is still true
and no matter how many children suffer,
adults still ignore their cries.

Linzi, I am sorry, I truly truly am,
you called the night you died
and I didn't hear my phone.
I woke up to a text message
which simply said my name:
our secret code for help.
But when morning came it was too late
for I found you already dead,
with just strangers by your side.
I held your hand and squeezed it tight,
I didn't want to let you go
until the officer pulled me away.
They let your mother take my place
which I know you'd never want
and so my stomach turned.
I would do anything I possibly could
to turn back time and change the past
and bring you back to life.
The pack of six was now just five,
then one more died, then one more died,
then one more died.

There are now just two of us left.

I do not want to end this poem
because it will end this closeness
that these words bring me to you.
I wanted you to know that I do not hate you,
I do not blame you for letting go
and for wanting to end the pain.
I just regret not being there
like I promised I would be
to hold you in my arms.
I will never know what happened that night
to make you feel this low
and take away your life.
I have missed you every day
and cried so many nights
to know that you are gone.
Never again will I hear you laugh,
or hear you say your silly jokes
that always made me giggle.
Never again will I see your smile
which could light up the sky
on the darkest of nights.
Never again will I feel you close
when I hugged you tight
or held your hand.
Never again will I open a letter
that you made for me
to make me smile.
Never again will I have my best friend
to share my life with
and my future.

But then never again will I have to see
the bruises fresh upon your face,
the look of terror in your eyes,
the crimson blood along your arms,
nor the tears that forever ran.

Instead I will see a beautiful star
which fills the sky with brightness
so I can find my way.
The star that is always there for me
to remind me how strong I am
and that I can carry on.
That shining star that sparkles down
when I lie in bed at night
and whispers " I'm still here"

The star that I will always love,

always miss,

and always remember.

Saffie
21

19/10/12