Comments : Weep Brown Eyes (Alouette)

  • 4 years ago

    by Khalid

    I can feel the depression the author has met in the story of this poem as a result of hard events. Frustration made the eyes let go as a response to the unkind heart preventing them from sleep. At the end they claim to God why this happened. The story is so deep in its few words that I wish it not ending up to this point but rather go for extra two stanzas. I loved the form and I may try it someday.
    Thank you for sharing this marvelous poem.

  • 4 years ago

    by Vic Johns

    The message I take from this sincere poem is the hardship so many under privileged people endure, especially young people and the anxiety they feel when they have to go without or work hard or indeed both !

    As they ask WHY ?

  • 4 years ago

    by L

    A cycle of gloom
    among wishes bloom,

    ^^ on this line, if I am not mistaken, I think bloom may be better as blooms. The reason why I think so is because I think it goes in reference to a cycle... So a cycle of gloom... blooms...

    The sadness is felt through this short piece. I like the use of brown eyes, it gives me an image and it captures my attention.

  • 4 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    A unique form I've never heard of! I love how you used the brevity to speak volumes about this cycle of sadness... I think a certain gloom can come over us at variant times, and it can haunt us so much we don't know how to deal with the pain, left with the same question over and over again.

    Well-expressed emotions! I liked this & thanks for your comment on my poem as well.

  • 4 years ago

    by Lostlove1

    Dripping sadness Meena. I am always interested in new forms and you always do forms so well, I am jealous :) Amazing how powerful your poem is being so short, but those are better than long winded ones I think. On the footnote:
    The Alouette, created by Jan Turner, consists of
    two or more stanzas of 6 lines each

    Should there be another stanza? Just a little confused but I haven't had coffee yet..maybe it's me..

    Nice poem Meena

  • 4 years ago

    by William Mae

    So beautiful!!!

  • 4 years ago

    by Hellon

    Meena...I love when someone brings a new form to this site and...I have never come across this one so thank you for sharing with us...

    A cycle of gloom
    among wishes bloom,
    pain stabs, yet within is numb
    let these brown eyes weep

    The last two lines bother me slightly...

    so it may find sleep,

    So they may find sleep or...so I may find sleep?

    why God this unkind heart drums?
    ^^^^
    This line..I'm honestly not sure about..maybe it needs some punctuation?

    I'm still going to say...thanks again for bringing a new form to the site...kudos for that!

  • 4 years ago

    by Valenttina

    I found it said so little yet I could feel so much . I can see the brown eyes.

  • 4 years ago

    by Robert Gardiner

    Resplendent Write Meena!!!

  • 4 years ago

    by Amreen

    So true.. Pain is such a bad feeling and to get rid of it, you need to vent it out, which can lessen it. You depicted this perfectly here and the form is just awesome and thanks for sharing info on it.

    Superb attempt!

    Keep writing:)

  • 1 year ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Hello Meena,

    I like this form a lot, though I confess, I have never heard of it before, so excuse the ignorant!
    As to the content, how very true. Letting it out really is the only way to find any lasting peace.
    All the best, Meena,
    Ben