Comments : Mother (Mirrored Acrostic)

  • 10 years ago

    by Everlasting

    Memories fixed upon the wall bloom

    ^ in this line I think it may need a comma after wall, to make an emphasis to which one is the verb then a period.

    like:

    Memories fixed upon the wall, bloom.

    I like that line by the way.

    ***********

    Obstinate pain twirls like a tornado,

    -- This line sounds like a fragment like it needs more info ( perhaps, its only for me) but obstinate pain twirls like a tornado... where? per se.
    So on the next line, I was hoping to figure it out. Yet I couldn't find the connection... However, I think if you take away the comma and replace it with three periods, it will add some type of mystery.

    like this

    Obstinate pain twirls like a tornado...

    ***********

    Tender year is born without her tonight.

    -- I feel a period after tonight may work on this line. Like this line can stand on its own.

    ******

    Memories fixed upon the wall, bloom.
    Obstinate pain twirls like a tornado...
    Tender year is born without her tonight.
    Howling for love that'll never walk through,
    Each day recovery struggles for peace.
    Richness of life, empty without a mother.

    I thought the melancholy in this piece is spread in each of your words. And I kind of read this poem slow, like making pauses that's kind of the reason why I thought about suggesting some punctuation. Perhaps, it may not be correctly placed in some parts as I'm not really that great with punctuation yet I think it will benefit if it has some.

    Take care.

  • 10 years ago

    by Ray Blue

    Beautiful poem! Love reading it! Great work Meena!

  • 10 years ago

    by Mohan

    Obstinate pain...twirls like a tornado,
    ^^a storm of obstinate pain surrounds your life.
    this is really a strong word that you are expressing your pain.
    you are showing the real sadness but the feelings are beautiful if it is come in this ways.
    I hope the storms become unhealthy..
    wonderful written meena...

  • 10 years ago

    by Mahal Ko Kuya Ko

    Such a sorrowful poem... You did great with the form... I love how you make your sorrows very creative with your words... 5/5

    --- MKKK