Comments : Bastille

  • 3 years ago

    by Beautiful Soul

    This poem Hannah is greatly worded and so deserved a win. I truly loved the intro to this poem. Of course this person is in prison but there is also a softness to him. The intro tells him maybe speaking through his words or poetry. That's why I think deep down in his soul he has a kind soul. I loved the connecting phrases you used like missing you and homesick. It's easy to be homesick in prison so that tells me he might be wrongly accused but at the end you say change the man of yesterday so I doubt it. But for the poem itself. The reason I'm fond of this is because of the wording again. You used it so well in spots. It seems like the only thing this person is living for is God and I loved that. It's beautiful because I think it means he has no fears left and now he can live his life out in "peace" so to speak. The ending is hopeful because he is a Christian. I personally love the touch of religion. Overall this poem shows I believe that anyone can be good inside and you can see the good in people. Well done and congrats.

  • 3 years ago

    by Dagmar Wilson

    Great write Hannah. Nobody is perfect and we share some kind of trouble. We make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. There is good and bad in all of us but we can turn our lives around and become better people if we want to.

  • 3 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    WOW Hannah.... this poem reminds me of a person I knew years ago... brought back some happy memories... love your word usage here!!!

  • 3 years ago

    by Amreen

    Hannah! This is simply WOW! I don't think just the words, but the topic too is amazing. This was unique and different to me. Congrats on your win and you completely deserved it!

    :)

  • 3 years ago

    by JaneDoeWrites

    I am speechless, Hannah. This is fantastic, the subtle rhyme and the intricate metaphors.. I envy your style of writing. It always seems to complete with ease but such precision. An amazing piece of work and a well-deserved win. Favorited!!!

  • 3 years ago

    by Hellon

    Hannah...I absolutely adore this verse and...I'm so glad it's on the front page because, for some reason I had missed it.

    "Forgive me if I cling like
    static, I've just been
    missing you. A touch of
    hope has escorted it's way
    down the corridor of
    homesick dreams."

    -

    I love your opening...a thought of someone perhaps confined to a prison cell? This statement/thought somehow echoes in my ears.

    He grits a rolled-up
    cigarette between
    his teeth as he
    scrawls poetry
    atop his knee,
    tasting a morsel
    of a metaphor before
    it hovers like fog
    above the skeleton
    of a tree.

    This paints such a sad image in my mind. A man with many hours to occupy his mind with and trying so hard to find it in poetry...I imagine him editing and re-editing just to fill in time.

    tasting a morsel
    of a metaphor before

    ^^^^

    I'd drop one of the 'a's here.

    Photographs that has
    more wrinkles than
    he does are pasted
    inside his state
    issued bible;
    a reminder that he
    must grasp his hands
    and pray if he wants
    to erase the man of
    yesterday.

    Photographs that has *have*

    This part left me wondering slightly..why does he want to erase his past? Is this why he's in a cell? What did he do? So many thoughts and possibilities for the reader to consider...I like that!

    Very interesting read Hannah...congrats on your win.

  • 3 years ago

    by Robert Gardiner

    Exquisite Write, Congratulations On You Win Hannah!!!

  • 3 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    Hannah, when I read this poem in the club, I loved it and voted for it and was so pleased it one. I loved the title change, although both suited it well.
    I am so pleased it won the weekly contest too, it was much deserved.
    Beautiful words, imagery and emotions... good job girl!

  • 3 years ago

    by Midnight Sky

    5\5 nicely done i have to disagree with timothy you wrote what you wanted to say no overkill i liked it

  • 3 years ago

    by Timothy

    Although I sincerely believe you have talent, there is such a thing as overkill in writing. You see it a lot in newer writers, and in stories where they may call a "face" a "countenance" and other exaggerated words. Sometimes its best to call a rabbit a rabbit and "skeleton of a tree" can be a "dead tree" when you have gave three colorful descriptions right behind it. I don't mean to be mean, I am simply trying to help. I actually submitted a story years back and after the first 10 rejections someone finally took the time to explain some of things I am saying to you. Simple is good, even in poetry. Keep writing!

    • 3 years ago

      by Hannah Lizette

      Thank you for the constructive criticism! I don't see it as being mean at all. :) I will take it under consideration and try to dial it down a bit haha.

  • 3 years ago

    by Narph

    Judging Comment:

    This piece is just so... can I say professional? Maybe? There are no unnecessary words. No overbearing language... no intangible or hyper metaphorical thought processes, just clear, elegant, straight forward visuals that create and define a character I feel like I could reach out and touch, or talk to, or read about in a Hemingway novel. I love the first stanza, and how it doesn't quite match the rest of the piece. It's airy and lovey-dovey, and held in sharp contrast to the rolled up cigarette and wrinkles. This poem has dimension, it's so creative and vibrant. Really well done, I love it.

  • 3 years ago

    by Jamparnell

    Great poem

  • 2 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Hannah is a beautiful descriptive writer! Her display of wording is crafted and designed in such a way that it makes the reader possibly think back to someone they have known in the past or previous.

    Reflections of the past gone wrong and wishing for better days is what comes to mind within this poem. The detailed way she describes his face and smoking a cigarette puts a vivid picture in my mind of a man with a war torn past in his soul.

    This poem is deep, very deep and I can't help but fall in love with it!
    I truly love the ending, "holding his state issued bible" helps create the ending and allows the reader to possibly feel like this man was imprisoned, either in the physical sense or mental sense, either way.. It's breathtaking in so many ways!!