Violence of any kind is unacceptable but when it's aimed at a defenceless child it makes it even more so. I think you have done a great job with this poem...not giving blow by blow accounts but still, very tactfully getting the message out there.
Thanks, Hellon. It's still not quite right, I've been tweaking now for hours.
1 year ago
by Ben Pickard
As is usual with your work, this is wonderfully laid out with a kind of delicacy that's not easy to achieve, especially with this dark sort of subject matter.
Your subtle use of alliteration is excellent as is the extended metaphor.
Did you change the title Mr. D?
I Agree with Sir Ben. ... You never fail to impress me with your layout. ... your poem is dark , check ...and readers with ATD or attention to detail will enjoy this. ...
Thanks, Ben, Gel. This was written straight onto the 'submit poem' page. I wrote the main structure, then posted it in a raw state. From last night till about 6 hours ago I tweaked it, including the title so many times. Lol
Michael, Wow,wow,wow! I am blown away by this. Your visuals, the story, your whole layout of this write is just amazing. I like to think people who abuse children have a special place in hell reserved for them. So well done-
Wow, Michael, you have a certain style of writing that is just incredible. I agree with the others, this is a dark subject matter that you quickly get your point across, I feel in a unique way. You have a way of setting up your subject so that the reader can picture themselves there watching the scene unfold. Very well written Michel.
Hello Michael, It's me again. I saw your comment on Jessica's poem and had to come back as I knew you had changed the title and most definitely tweaked this little gem ALOT making it even more perfect than when I first read it.
1/ words are so very painful and most definitely can stick in your mind forever though any kind of abuse is horrendous. I love the imagery here though of words being twisted like a sack of angry snakes.
2/ At first, I wondered about this line but then re-reading it I realised it was very significant to the reader of the piece and that tiny hand was in the firing line of these words that are no doubt going to stick in the Childs mind forever. I do like how you paused with the "whilst..." as it gives us time to digest what you first said and also, time to slowly go into this stanza just like the child did.
3/ This I feel is rather significant as the hissing are the words (I think) and they are followed by strikes and bites which I feel are the physical sides of abuse though just my thoughts.
4/ I absolutely love this part though sad it speaks many volumes, the imagery of wind containing all the screams from this what I feel abuse and it's true because when it's happening nobody knows and it's like it's concealed within the walls of whatever room it happens in only to be 'gone with the wind.'
Again I feel this is really significant as it reveals that the abuser was a male.. Maybe I am completely off with thinking that this is what its about but it's like a shock revelation sort of thing.
5/ Eyes can say many things without words, they can show any kind of emotion and never lie (sorry first thing that came to mind) this is a very powerful write. Check the typo on "plaintive"
6/ I love the use of stoically here because it shows how emotionless this person is and again another shock revelation of a child being imprisoned which does as we know unfortunately happen and it makes my blood boil.
Yes, yes, yes. When one is abused that child is always going to be broken but they are usually the most nicest people you can meet.
Michael, this write has really opened my eyes and i truly hope it wasn't literal for you.
All the best,