Alive with You

by Drew Gold   Aug 24, 2005


As change takes hold, my blood dries up and veins run cold
while time unfolds, bitter flesh livens and takes its control
my mind lets go
the time grows old

your breath of steam breeds life and carries the dream
your heart it seems, is dead on the outside but inner depths gleam
the stain is cleaned
my tainted queen

amidst the deep, i fall into my body and land on my feet
the heart that i keep, will only awaken once i find sleep.
with tears on your cheek
there's no need to speak

the way you shivered, faint shakes of love delivered
a sweet lip's quiver, swimming alone in this pristine river
we live with hurt
but cant revert

the flesh i shed, was never enough for the ground i tread
my life ahead, is held together by a singular thread
reality u dread
reality is dead

im sucked into a lifeless world as i die with truth
i was never more alive than while alive with you

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  • 13 years ago

    by Sean Allen

    Alright so the aspect of the poem I enjoyed the most is also the aspect that I found the most distracting from the message. I was captivated by the internal rhyme of each line, along with the accordingly rhymed couplet at the end of each stanza. I had to read this poem a couple of times before I could even tell what the literal meaning of the stanzas were, let alone the symbolic ones.

    Despite that slight criticism (which is actually an unsolvable problem. one of the best aspects of your poem seems to consume it. meh, what are you going to do?)

    I thought the couplet at the end really pulled the piece together. It added a bit of a conclusion to the whole thing, and helped unify the message in each stanza.

    If I were to suggest any corrections/improvements, I'd suggest that you add more punctuation and correct any grammatical mistakes. With punctuation you can fine tune the meaning that the readers'll recieve from each sentence/thought, and by tightening the grammatical screws, it will look a bit more presentable (e.g. "reality u dread" just say "you" instead).

  • 13 years ago

    by Tom Swart

    Very gothic - Such sweet passion - the pains of love are fresh and the wounds of our understanding that love are badges that line our hearts!!! keep up the good writes bud,, nice