Sticks and Stones

However true and touching it may be it still needs some work. The flow is really shakey throughout the poem and the rhymes are elementary. Also you use the words and/but way to much, its okay to use them once in a while but not on everyline and in every stanza. There are always words you can add/subtract to make the poem flow better, obviously I'm not going to go through the whole poem and fix it for you. But if you just read each line on most of them you'll find a word that isn't needed and you remove it or simple drop two words for just one. It was good and even though it may have been true not worth a pity 5/5 I'm here for honesty... I gave it a 4/5 nice job though

Ah, this broke my heart. It's never pleasant to read about an abusive relationship, especially one between parent and child. From that little note at the end of the poem, I assume this is true? All I can say is I'm so, so sorry for that, and I'm wishing you all the happiness in the world.

Now onto the poem...

There were times where I felt like the rhyming and wordage were just a bit blunt and lacking poetic elegance. For example:

- "You really suck I never want to turn out like you," - I really don't like the word "suck" in poetry, though in some way I suppose it enhances this poem, because it makes it more personal to you. It also highlights the fact that this is coming from a child (even if you're not child age anymore, you're somebody's child), and I feel it sort of works, in an odd way, with a child's retaliation towards their abusive father.

- "Sticks and stones may hurt and bruise my skin,
and sometimes you weren't always one giant sin."

The rhyming here seems forced. I would perhaps change that second line; it's just a bit clumsy and the syllable count doesn't really fit in either.

Overall the writing quality could be improved slightly, though it's not a bad read by any means. It just made my heart hurt.

Your poem didn't make me cry but I did feel pain. I was sad and my stomach was in knots but I wasn't able to cry. This poem shocked me, not only because I have a poem with the same title but because the message was so daunting.

Anyway great poem and thank you for the read

First off I wanted to cry at this piece as well. It was deeply sorrowful and held intense emotions.
The basis that it was derived from was something so harsh.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But you leave scars that are never shown.
You make me so scared to do anything wrong,
And all of this has been happening for so damn long.
Daddy you make me hate you so much inside,
You never seem to smile when I've tried.

- This stanza was beautifully depicted. It held many sad under tones. And your wish to gain your father's admiration. I understand how this feel's for my father leaves me feeling dramatically engrossed in sorrow. I bleed and he call's just to see if I'm okay. But when I bleed inwardly he doesn't seem to give as much of a damn.

If I cry you'll raise your hand to my face,
Can't I weep alone in my own private space?
My scars grow deeper everyday,
And you're not setting a good example in anyway.
You drink; come home and beat my mother,
But all she did was look after me and my brother.

- My aunt is an alcoholic. So I can understand the pain that drinking can ensue. Their word's
are extensively degrading and usually cause us more than a bruise or a scrap. They have lasting damage. The pain that engulf's us can be quite traumatic. Especially when it comes at a young age.

You really suck I never want to turn out like you,
Just because you think it's right doesn't make it true.
I accept that you'll never become the father I want you to be,
But at least I'll know never to treat my kid's like you treated me.

- This particular part is my favorite. You stand up on your own two feet and declare that what your father has done is wrong. It's undeniably distorted and has wrought many disturbing feeling's. You proclaim that you will never become his partaker or an accomplice in the deeds he has done. It's always a possibility though. You must keep having this frame of mind in order to make true your words.

Sticks and stones may hurt and bruise my skin,
and sometimes you weren't always one giant sin.
You loved me and made me smile at times,
But you still committed all these violent crimes.
Dad I'll love you till that day you finally die,
But I'll always remember the times you made me cry.

- I loved the usage of the wording " One giant sin" It held a touch or ironic enlistment. Because we all have sinned but other's more so than other's. I could definitely portray from this stanza that you will always love your dad. But that you are reluctant to keep doing so. I do not blame you for the trepidation you must feel. When you are starved of love and neglected for so long you start becoming doubtful. It's very natural.

I would have much preferred sticks and stones,
Even though they probably would've broken my bones.
At least then I could be proud to call you my father,
And not just remember the times that you bashed my mother.
I will shed tears for you at your funeral cause you're still my dad,
And if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be here and for that I'm glad...

- You end this piece with a wistful note. It made me sad to think that you have had no real father. We all deserve parental guidance and love. It keeps afloat in a world of sinking battleships. I have to agree with you. I would have preferred sticks and stones than to be struck by my own father. But we cannot change the events of our past. We must salvage our present and live onward towards a brighter future.

[ This was a deeply moving piece. Because you have stood strong through all the suffering you have been through. I must give you praise for both this piece and your inner strength. Never look for a better past. For it will not change. Always prosper for the future. Because you make your own future. You define yourself.]

5/5

-Lilium

Aww....this makes me cry too. The part about him hitting your mom just broke my heart. I wish more people could be so in touch with their feelings enough to write a poem like this. It's more like a story because it has so many twist and turns to it. The title was very original and caught my attention. I can tell that you put a great amount of time and effort into this piece and it really shows. Amazing work. Keep it up. Nik