by Baby Rainbow
Submission date : 2012-07-18
Last edit : 2012-07-19
Kitty Kurse ( F P C D )
It is very well put great job
Lioness ( F P C D )
I love how each stanza starts of with the rain. I believe that each stanza shows part of your journey and the changes that you go through along that journey.
I love the metaphors you have used here. I feel the sadness in the poem, there's a sense of loneliness on this journey which I can also feel.
Xanthe ( F P C D )
I found the atmosphere of this piece really calm and peaceful, as though you wrote this with more emtions and less thought..
"The rain is puring down on me,
I don't know where I am."
This is a nice opening as it sets the tone and gives the reader a sad image in their mind. A little typo on 'pouring'.
"Everywhere around me has
suddenly turned dark."
I think it would be better if 'everywhere' was changed to: everything.
"The rain now forming puddles,
of which I'm drowning in."
A few suggestions:
Add a linking verb after 'rain' to make it flow better. Or you can change 'forming' to 'forms' since you used 'now'
'Of' might be better change to: in
I like the ending. The way you wrote short, simple sentences made this sadder, but good. I'm not so sure about this poem falling on the sad genre, since I read the ending to be really hopeful. I think this would be better under life poems, but maybe I'm reading this wrong, and I'm sure you have a purpose about placing this here. Great job, I really enjoyed reading this, Saffie. Keep writing. Hope to read more from you :)
[ Praised by Baby Rainbow | Approved by Larry Chamberlin the Godfather ]
Everlasting ( F P C D )
I like the rain, though sometimes the days feel melancholic when it pours.. but I like how you used the rain to describe the journey that you were undertaking.. :-s
though, I know what was the final destination of the journey :-s , but somehow seems like it at the end it was calm( serenity).. no more puddles to drown..
Hannah Lizette ( F P C D )
I love how you told us of your journey through the rain... it's a wonderful write! :)