Journey of Death

by Baby Rainbow

The rain is pouring down on me,
I don't know where I am.
Everything around me has
suddenly turned dark.
It's unrecognisable.
I'm lost.

The rain is now forming puddles,
in which I'm drowning in.
Sinking deeper and deeper
into the solid ground.
It's swallowing me.
I'm gone.

The raindrops no longer fall.
I'm in such a tranquil place.
The breath-taking sights
within an enchanted world.
It's true serenity.
I'm free.

Saffie
21

18/7/12

 

Submission date : 2012-07-18
Last edit : 2012-07-19

Visits : 366
Votes : 5
Rating : 5.0

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Latest comments

Xanthe ( F P C D ) at 2012-07-19

I found the atmosphere of this piece really calm and peaceful, as though you wrote this with more emtions and less thought..

"The rain is puring down on me,
I don't know where I am."

This is a nice opening as it sets the tone and gives the reader a sad image in their mind. A little typo on 'pouring'.

"Everywhere around me has
suddenly turned dark."

I think it would be better if 'everywhere' was changed to: everything.

"The rain now forming puddles,
of which I'm drowning in."

A few suggestions:
Add a linking verb after 'rain' to make it flow better. Or you can change 'forming' to 'forms' since you used 'now'
'Of' might be better change to: in

I like the ending. The way you wrote short, simple sentences made this sadder, but good. I'm not so sure about this poem falling on the sad genre, since I read the ending to be really hopeful. I think this would be better under life poems, but maybe I'm reading this wrong, and I'm sure you have a purpose about placing this here. Great job, I really enjoyed reading this, Saffie. Keep writing. Hope to read more from you :)

[ Praised by Baby Rainbow | Approved by Larry Chamberlin the Godfather ]

Everlasting ( F C D ) at 2012-07-19

I like the rain, though sometimes the days feel melancholic when it pours.. but I like how you used the rain to describe the journey that you were undertaking.. :-s

though, I know what was the final destination of the journey :-s , but somehow seems like it at the end it was calm( serenity).. no more puddles to drown..

5/5

Hannah Lizette ( F P C D ) at 2012-07-20

I love how you told us of your journey through the rain... it's a wonderful write! :)

Tara Kay ( F P C D ) at 2013-06-03

The repetition of rain, gives me the image of a day where all that the weather has given, is rain...and the metaphor for how it affects you, makes you feel...that works so well with the tone.

I love the ends of the stanza, drawing on the thought, and feelings and the ending while sad and powerful, the thought of being free when we die, was just incredibly moving...really great piece Saffie...

:)

Edward Oropeza ( P C D ) at 2013-06-04

How can i figure out each lines if all I can see is eternal life..., your title's best suit for this piece Saffie, and it seems like going nowhere but closing the mortal life, here on Earth we can still a rainbow, much more in eternal life..in my opinion this is what I may feel when I'm about to die in my old age...
great
5/5



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