Numb

[This is not a poem or a verse.. just my thoughts]

I can hear a phone ring. it's not mine. it's not the house phone or anything, but i hear it always.

My throat hurts so much it feels like its closing up.

It hurts so much 'cos i'm trying not to cry.

It's all depressing me and i don't know what the 'all' is?!

I'm thinking about her again, that depresses me.

Then i start thinking about the other one. She depresses me.

She crosses my mind. Her friends do too. Then my friends. Then she does again and again.

She's always there. like a light that won't go out no matter how many times i try to flip the switch.

She's even there when I turn all the power off. She's in my dreams

Then it gets worse...

My mind wanders towards my memories. what little i have left. My brain... drink, damaged them away.

Good job too or else they'd depress me more than they already do.

I think of our times together. I think of talking to her and begging for the way things were.

I see you be compassionate.

I see you laugh in my face.

I see nothing.

My mind wanders not too far from this reality... but just far enough for me to pretend all the pieces are together ...and that i'm holding a full deck.

I pretend everything is ok and this was all a bad dream.

Well... the nasty parts anyway.

Someone mentions you.

I drop the deck.

I now hold...

I don't even know.

I pretend i'm interesting for a while and i try to write something poetic.

This is all madness... and i don't even know what i wrote or why i wrote it.

I'm not a writer i'm a fool.

The words as i look at them jump out at me on the page... Sometimes feel like i'm drugged up, or that i should be.

Sometimes my mind hurts so much i feel as if i'm crazy or that I think i'm crazy.

My mind play tricks on me.

I check my phone to see if she's texted... I hope she has...

I know she hasn't but i check anyways.

I shudder at the thought of hearing from her.

It's not... i knew it wouldn't be.

That's a lie, i didn't. That's why i checked.

I feel totally isolated, yet�. i feel as if there is someone here.

I'm worried about my own self but have no compassion for anyone else at this point.

I feel as if i walked into a room and saw my family and friends massacred with their blood dripping down the wall.

And as i see this i just think "oh well".

I wouldn't cry, be sad, i wouldn't run or sink or panic, i'd be numb.

That's how i am at this moment...

NUMB