Why can't i see anything??

Here I am again, looking at this person that is my worst enemy yet. My reflection looks back at me and I want to smash the mirror for reflecting who I really am. Why am I like that? I despise what I see, yet I hold onto it because it's all I've ever known to do. My reflection looks at me, the fake smile, and the blank stare, the mask that I wear and use daily has been removed. It's there, all in front of me. The real me. The me that only I see.

How can no one see the pain that a million smiles hold back? The tears that I allow no one to see fall? How is it that when you look into my green with a light yellow around the iris, they don't see all the tears that have fallen behind closed doors. The pain that I hold in, the fakeness behind every smile? Why? Why can't you see it?

I stand in the mirror, right now, looking at a person that is not who I claim to be. I'm trying to find the beautiful face that you tell me I have. I'm trying to find that person, the one that is always happy, always smiling, acting as if the criticism that people have given her doesn't slow her down. I can't find that person. Who I am looking at is the complete opposite.

I am looking at the one person I have learned to deal with on my own time. Not in front of everyone else. I take off the mask that I wear in front of no one but myself and I see who I really am. I am a girl that needs someone to listen, needs to break down from being so strong. I am trying to never disappoint you; never let your words hurt me, never letting you see how much it hurts to be in front of you. I'm the girl who wishes for things that won't ever come true, I try so hard yet I can never satisfy you. Why? Why do I strive so hard but never do I let you see what I am? Who I am?

I look once more at the person that I really am, and once more I cringe in disgust. This is me. This is who I am. With one last look I replace the mask that I put on and walk out the door acting like I am what you see.