Phantom Gazes

Hiya, Sorry it took so long to return your comments. (:

Stanza one -
"Forgive these pathetic, lonesome words that lack formality,
Though I must admit, I am not to blame for my lack of ability."
I found the repetition of "lack" to throw off the rhyme, and make these two lines stiff, when if you replace the first lack with a different word, I think it would flow more smoothly.
"Just before you used to gaze at me, with an affably thoughtful stare;
Now your eyes threaten my sanity as they strip my body bare."
I thought these two lines were extremely strong, and I loved them. They flowed perfectly, yet didn't seem forced.
And there was something about them that gave me tingles down my spine, good job.

"(A single thought cannot form when he looks at her that way;
Like every girl she'd ever met, she gave her love away.)"
I actually quite liked these two lines, I found the rhyme very simple, but it made it flow really well and slip off the tongue. They're diverse to the rhyme of the stanzas, and I found that nice.

Stanza two-
"Your back is all I see these days (he never looks at her),
Six months passed by and nothing changed (except his love for her).
So at this point all hope is lost and souls have been unbarred,
(He likes her not; she likes him so; he doesn't like her)
Though they both know: The truth begs to differ."
I wasn't as fond of this stanza, mainly because it seemed stiff. The repetition of "her" threw me off, and it seemed like you was rushing trying to finish. It started off so strong, But ended weak.
"(He likes her not; she likes him so; he doesn't like her)"
I loved the beginning of this, but the "he doesn't like her" seemed out of place. I think this could be a really excellent poem if you put a tiny bit more time into it and corrected the flow, etc. Repetition should be used to exaggerate how important the thing is, But when you repeat simple words like "her" it makes the poem seem stiff. A poem doesn't need a rhyme, just a flow.

You asked me to vote, I think.
And I give every poem a 5/5, Its just a number.
So well done. (:

iLisaa.
xx

That's really powerful...if you put a little more work into this I would say it could be a song.

I liked how you wove a story into the lines of this poem, since in my opinion that's real art. Along with this, you used some thoughtful language which I really believe accomplished your purpose.

My favorite section was :

"(A single thought cannot form when he looks at her that way;
Like every girl she'd ever met, she gave her love away.)"

I like it not only because of the rhyme but because of how you created a parallel between the subject of the story and everyone else.

Great job! Keep it up. 5/5

I've read quite a bit of your work before, and as you know to me this isn't your best. I just feel it was too blunt and lacked emotion. Your word choice was excellent. I liked that, yet your rhyme I wasn't so keen on.

Forgive these pathetic, lonesome words that lack formality,
Though I must admit, I am not to blame for my lack of ability.
Just before you used to gaze at me, with an affably thoughtful stare;
Now your eyes threaten my sanity as they strip my body bare.

These lines were amazing. I liked them deeply to tell you the truth. You started this was so much strength and power yet as the poem continued after stanza one I felt like it started to crumble. I loved the word choice and the rhyme here. It was definitly built with so much bitterness and yet so much anger and sorrow was portrayed.

(A single thought cannot form when he looks at her that way;
Like every girl she'd ever met, she gave her love away.)

These two lines, They jusgt didn't do it for me.. Your rhyme was too similar for my liking and too simple for your work. I found this line to be quite cliche with a lack of emotion. I wont say much more because I know you already don't like this piece. I just think from me reading your previous works you can do alot better.

Your back is all I see these days (he never looks at her),
Six months passed by and nothing changed (except his love for her).
So at this point all hope is lost and souls have been unbarred,
(He likes her not; she likes him so; he doesn't like her)

I don't know with the above. I like it, but I don't like it. Too cliche I think. The first too line had a touch of emotion which was sweetly sad yet the rhyme of her and her through me off. Even if you didn't intend for it to rhyme it still did.

So at this point all hope is lost and souls have been unbarred,

I loved that line in it. Really interesting and intriguing. I found that line to stand out of the poem and hold power. Again an amazing line you've created.

(He likes her not; she likes him so; he doesn't like her)

That line again, It held a touch of emotion yet it just didnt full on grasp my interest. I don't know why. I'm sure for many other people it would of but for me, I just don't know.

Though they both know: The truth begs to differ.

I absloutely loved the ending. An amazing and strong ending which had alot of emotion portrayed within so few words. It was truthful with bitterness yet seemed to elegant. A beautiful contrast I must say.

Overall this poem was good but not great. Still I did enjoy reading it. Well done. ~Mel

This was excellent
I really like how u used the parentheses to kind of make a side comment or to emphasize the emotion your writing already showed

Just one thing
In the 2nd to last line I would cut out the last "He doesnt like her"
its just a little unnecessary and interupts the rhyming of the last 2 lines

5/5 tho excellent writing

Your back is all I see these days (he never looks at her),
Six months passed by and nothing changed (except his love for her).
So at this point all hope is lost and souls have been unbarred,
(He likes her not; she likes him so; he doesn't like her)
Though they both know: The truth begs to differ.
^^.i dont like how you jump form i and you to him and her. i also dont like how you put part of the poem in () and it has too many "her"s in it ....it broke the flow but you can move a few things around to make it better mabye like:

You never looks at me,your back is all I see these days
Six months passed by and,except your love for me, nothing changed .
So at this point all hope is lost and souls have been unbarred,
Though we both know: The truth begs to differ.

i really did like the meaning behind the poem tho and in the end it was well writen. 4/5