A Heart with a Carrying Case

The whole world asleep at the beach
We run into the fields hand in hand
It's darker than ever
But your eyes hold enough light
`It starts off quite shaky. The flow kind of cracks when it hits the third line, and the last line made me giggle at the cheesiness =.=

For me to see every detail around us
We stare at the replicas of your eyes in the sky
No fakes have ever been as beautiful as the originals
`I don't like the repitition of "your eyes" two lines after you already used it. Maybe it's just me, but it kind of threw me off. BUT, that last line was absolutely stunning.

I do adore the ending, just a tad bit, but compared to the other two pieces, this one dulls in comparison. I feel like there's so much you want to express -- and you try -- but it's just slightly empty + missing emotion . There're lines that are cliche and just ruin it, but every few lines, there's one that shines with brilliance. The title though? Cutely brilliant.

Maybe read through it and go over it once more?

--..MiNDYY

Beautiful poem... It's very well-written. The flow was a little shaky, but the word usage and concept were both brilliant! 5/5

Waw it nice again and i realylove the end, keep this love its the best for us 5/5