Silver Lining Laid Bare

Some general comments on the writing:
I like how you used "but" and "which" at the beginning of two lines. I don't know if you're aware that they are 'linking' words and it's seen to be 'gramatically incorrect' to use them at the beginning of sentences, but in poetry when they are deliberate they make the poem flow so much easier.
The short sentences also add to the flow, it makes it seem stop-start, but the reader is more likely to read short sentences then long ones.

I have only one problem witht he wording, and that is:
"a model in a massacre-themed photoshoot"
That line is a little too long, it doesn't quite fit the rest of the poem and the rhythm it sets up.
If you want, you could change it to "a massacre-themed model, posing" or something similar. It keeps with the idea that this is temporary but leaves it's presence for a while after.

I really, really like the style you wrote it under. I used to write a lot like this and people kept saying "if this was in verse it would be so much better", don't listen to them if they say that to you. This is perfect.

Now, it could just be the colour of the background, though I doubt it, but I really got the silver imagery coming through the poem, it made the gun seem almost glamorous without having to read farther on in the poem when you called it a "beauty".
I also like the association of guns with what they are made to do, kill, rather than the depressive suicidal person. Kudos.

And finally, the ending was perfect. Short and sweet, just like the a bullet being fired, just like the sentences you used in the poem.

I really like this, you've done a good job. 5/5

This is wonderful. It's lacks "poetic" form, but I think that makes it that much better.

{You put the pistol in your mouth. The silver lining laid bare on your lips like gloss.

"A dangerous beauty that shone with the sun."}

^ Already, you've got my attention. I don't see a lot of pieces that start out quite like that. It left me wanting to know what's going to happen.

{That's what he said, do you remember?
Well of course you do. How could you not?

But you just laughed, you did. You brought the gun down and placed it on the wooden table.
Do you remember what James did?
Remember what he said as he got up off that old green chair and walked over to where it lay?

"We better put this away, don't want any damage done do we?"

He put it in the cabinet. He locked it away.

That was the end of the day.}

^ I loved this. I feel as though it leaves the reader unsuspecting. And I couldn't pull myself away.

{The next morning the house was quiet.
A dead atmosphere; an eerie emptiness.

Walking into that study I still remember every sense: the smell quite fresh with that summer linger in the air; the room perfectly normal, everything in order; the sound, a polite muteness. Yet one thing differed - and there he lay.

The silver pistol was placed next to his right hand.
There was only a smudge of blood on it,
Which we both though peculiar, yes?}

^ BAM! Here it is. This is probably my favorite part of the piece. The vocabulary, the emotion, the way you described things; all painted a picture in my mind.

{My mind, instantly rewound to the previous night when you played with the silver weapon.
How elegant you looked: a model in a massacre-themed photoshoot.

"A dangerous beauty," that's what he had said.

He was talking to you we assumed, but his eyes were reflected on the gun's silver coating.

"A dangerous beauty."

Yes, it was.}

^ A wonderful ending. I like how you used the words, "a dangerous beauty.." at the beginning, and the end. It added something to the piece, that made me love it, even more.

Clearly, 5/5.

-Briana
=]

Wow! Leaves me wanting to read more!!

This poem has no structure at all and guess what? That adds to the darkness perfectly! There are no rules, no methods, just your thoughts as truly as thoughts should be... free! I loved it!

Certain phrases just jump out and give the reader a sensation of deadly inescapeablity!

One can almost see how your mind works in this poem, the twists, the turns and just plainly, the whole thought process! It is extremely unique and especially dark which is something I love!

I usually like to dissect the poems I read and comment on every line but this cannot be done with this poem because each line is crucial to the next and then just leaves you with a feeling of end. I will only analyse my favourite line;

"A dangerous beauty"

By using this line in your poem I feel that you are firstly, addressing the issue of adrenaline. Often in life what is dangerous is just as tempting. Secondly by describing the gun in this way I feel that you are criticising soooo much in the world! Violence is wrong but so many people get a kick out of it. Still just as dangerous though. Drugs, another example, they are extremely dangerous but people find beauty in the feelings experienced by taking them. I feel like you are almost saying that beauty is a danger in itself! Extremely powerful!

If you get some time, please have a look at some of my poems and let me know what you think!

Natalie M. Sarantos

This is more of a story than a poem. I see you are very talented with short stories, the descriptions you give throughout the whole piece are amazing. Your words here are shouting out the message of this poem, which is deep and hidden from the eye. Well done 5/5