Comments : Love Cannot Live in my Damaged Heart

  • 12 years ago

    by WaitAutumn

    Yeeaah that happens. but i realli liked it n_n keep writing =P

  • 12 years ago

    by Normal is the Watchword

    I know I hardly this say to poems on this site, but I really liked this one a lot. Since you say you don't understand it, even though you wrote it, maybe you left it all up to interpertation instead of finding out as you wrote it. To me, it relates a lot specifically around a theme mentioned in the last line: Aware love can not live in my damaged heart. Mainly because, my boyfriend of nearly ten months had broken up with me nearly a month ago, and to me one of the reasons was I was too afraid to love after being so torn apart in the past by another. I think you used some stunning imagey: "alcoholic lips" "intoxicating" "splintered tale" And the single dash at the end of some lines was effective and different and made it all stand out. I love this poem and that is t he first I've said that at all.

  • 12 years ago

    by Veamm

    Excellent!

    It was a good job. The words you used were great, and it was really deep. At first I can't get the message and after reading it twice. Yeah I see. but there is something missing maybe it was just be. I like your vocab! Awesome stuff!

    Keep on writing
    Veamm

  • 12 years ago

    by LOVEmeNOT

    Aww. Cayce
    I love this poem. its to the point and i like it. I mean it shows a good point of emotion and imagery of things.

    =]

  • 12 years ago

    by Bugg

    That happens to me to, so don't feel bad. I liked it even though I don't really like to read sad poems. :*( It was great.

  • 12 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    You have used all of your poetic skills in this poem that flows perfectly and delivered your true feelings. How could anyone ask more of you?

  • 12 years ago

    by noha

    Waw cayce its great wok and you did it in only 15 min and its true and from your heart,its all beautiful and i rely love the second stanza as its like river of talk its magical words you have here well done 5/5

  • 12 years ago

    by xxSnow Angelxx

    Clawing at the eyes that saw too much -
    Ridicule, hidden errors. I'm the one to blame.
    ^^my fave!....beautiful lines....it speaks a range of emotions

    cayce..short and to the point....with apt usage of words...powerful peice of art!
    keep writing!
    Good job!

    Pooja

  • 12 years ago

    by Morgana

    I really like.
    It it's rellyt deep and if you can do that in only 15 min then i'm jaloux.
    I never seem to get that much emotion into what I write even when I try to. And you are really good at that.

  • 12 years ago

    by Jacqui Armstrong

    Wow LOVE it,

    i do the same as you alot, write poems because they come to me yet im not sure where they have come from or what they mean =)

    seems very much like someone let down by love, broken heart and shattered dreams maybe? almost blaming themselves?

    anyway wonderful poem =) loved it 5/5!

    Love
    Jacs
    xxxx

  • 12 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    I love it, i love your work hun. be proud of it xx

  • 12 years ago

    by Sandra D

    Okay so fist of all, im gonna say i really extremely love your vocab, its seriously like amazing.
    um.. im not gonna lie, it kinda confused me, it took me a couple of times of reading it to get what you wrote. and that kinda threw off the flow for me, like i couldnt find how one thing related to the other... but at the same time, you kinda made that work.
    good poem :]

    --> Sandra

  • 12 years ago

    by Nix

    First of all I was insecure about title, it is interesting title but I never read any your poem before so I had animus that this will be some cliche sad/love piece, but you made great connection between title and poem and you mentioned title in last line which was all in all totally effective.

    -Only the screen could tell this splintered tale,
    Of passion sprinkled with lust, intoxicating -
    Daze blurred my thoughts of alcoholic lips
    Love, warmth, security, needing, advocating.-

    ^First line captured my attention, very original and refreshing opening stanza. I honestly think that you created so original rhythm with so little words and you expressed a lot of emotions in one single stanza which is also impressive. First three lines made amazing picture in my mind, fourth little in my head ruined that cause, in my opinion, you could express all that feelings with metaphors instead of list your emotions, I truly can't see how fourth line bonds with rest of stanza.

    -Rivers of sparkling water charge down ivory,
    Drowning in my own sea of scornful shame.
    Clawing at the eyes that saw too much -
    Ridicule, hidden errors. I'm the one to blame.-

    ^This is absolutely excellently written, filled with amount of emotions which you described on creative and remarkable way. I like each line, truly impressionable. I think that your writing here posses pure power.

    -Choking on the guilt, shoved down my throat.
    Twisted, regretful heart almost splitting apart.
    Praying for stitches and tape, understanding.
    Aware love cannot live in my damaged heart.-

    ^Ending is great! Every description helped you to form this captivating picture. I think that you wanted to express many things within this poem and it looks like it is written straight from the heart, I think that it could be even longer cause you kept my attention with each line and I enjoyed a lot.
    Overall bravo, I admire your style of writing, it is very detail and unique.

  • 12 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    This is so creative from the beginning to the end. You held my attention through every greatly written line.

    - Only the screen could tell this splintered tale,
    Of passion sprinkled with lust, intoxicating -
    Daze blurred my thoughts of alcoholic lips
    Love, warmth, security, needing, advocating.-
    ^^
    I like your choice of words through this stanza. The flow in it is excellent and I think that you expressed your emotions in an amazing way. I like all those colliding emotions in the last line. Powerful opening stanza!

    - Rivers of sparkling water charge down ivory,
    Drowning in my own sea of scornful shame.
    Clawing at the eyes that saw too much -
    Ridicule, hidden errors. I'm the one to blame.-
    ^^
    The imagery here stunned me. Every line is filled with emotions portrayed with such vivid descriptions. This is my favorite stanza. Your wording is superb here, too.

    - Choking on the guilt, shoved down my throat.
    Twisted, regretful heart almost splitting apart.
    Praying for stitches and tape, understanding.
    Aware love cannot live in my damaged heart.-
    ^^
    I like how you used the title as the powerful ending to this poem. Details are more subtle here than in the rest of the poem but it is still greatly written.

    Overall, I can relate to this poem in so many ways and I think that this is very original, refreshing and remarkable write.
    Keep up!
    5/5 from me

  • 12 years ago

    by Lemma

    This is what I would call mush. But very very good mush. Mush is basically a poem that you write and it turns out overflowing with emotion but not making much sense. Mush-like poems are often the best kind of poems to read because they come straight from the heart, are honest and can usually provoke the best emotional response from the reader.

    Only one suggestion for improvement which happens to be in my favourite stanza:

    "Choking on the guilt, shoved down my throat.
    Twisted, regretful heart almost splitting apart.
    Praying for stitches and tape, understanding.
    Aware love cannot live in my damaged heart."

    I think you should replace the first mention of the word heart to make the last word stand out even more. As for what you could replace it with...a 1 syllable word....perhaps "soul"?

    Anyways, this is great mush,

    5/5

    Em xXx

  • 12 years ago

    by LiNa

    I actually liked this poem it tells ur story and its true love cant live in a damaged heart. i believe that.

  • 12 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Very interesting write (in a good way). I am not used to seeing vocabulary used in such a manor where everything just kind of fits together like a puzzle.

    The flow was good as well as the structure of the poem, however; I felt that it ubruptly stoped. I was reading and just starting to get into the poem and then I was cut off by a dead end.

    Overall a great write that obviously took some thought to produce. Excellent work as always, keep up the great work. You have a lot of talent, and I'll be back to read more.

    Peace, Joe

  • 12 years ago

    by Bob

    Cool. I like it. Keep it up and give more!!

  • 12 years ago

    by A Phoenyx in Flight

    Love this poem its very good your a great poet

  • 12 years ago

    by EssenceOfLace

    About the authors note, poetry doesn't have to make sense. Remember, we have covered this. We never know what our poems are about lol

    STANZA ONE:
    "Only the screen could tell this splintered tale,
    Of passion sprinkled with lust, intoxicating -
    Daze blurred my thoughts of alcoholic lips
    Love, warmth, security, needing, advocating."

    ^^I'm guessing by using the word "screen" it was some sort of mirror reference. If so, it was a good idea to word it that way, because using "mirror" is pretty cliche. I think in the second line you should replace the hyphen with a period. It seems more like the end of a sentence rather than the third line being a continuation.
    I loved the last line, where it wasn't technically a sentence. It was just an expression of words.

    STANZA TWO:
    "Rivers of sparkling water charge down ivory,
    Drowning in my own sea of scornful shame.
    Clawing at the eyes that saw too much -
    Ridicule, hidden errors. I'm the one to blame."

    ^^I think the hyphen should be taken out and replaced with a period. It would match the first stanza. Very emotional stanza, that explained very well that this is a tragic piece.

    LAST STANZA:
    "Choking on the guilt, shoved down my throat.
    Twisted, regretful heart almost splitting apart.
    Praying for stitches and tape, understanding.
    Aware love cannot live in my damaged heart."

    ^^Loved the first line. It shows that you didn't want this "guilt" but you were forced to take the blame for something.

    Overall, a good piece. I noticed that you did rhyme, but it did not look forced at all. Even though it took you so little time to write this, everything seems to flow together like you spent hours on it.
    Now, I'm not good with titles, but I think the title for this gives too much of the story away. Basically, you can summerize the story in the title, and I don't think that is a good thing. I think that you need to add a mystery to it.
    It's not your best work, but for the time it took to do this, it is a fantastic piece.
    Always a pleasure to read your work =)

    Take care
    ~Lace [CHEESY GANGSTA]