Dear Mother...Im sorry for this.

In ways I can't explain I blame myself for this.
That maybe I shouldn't feel all this bliss.
What is one less person to worry about right?
Then I remembered all of our fights.
How I hated to leave your side.
I didn't want to say goodbye.
Not just yet God please wait.
I was helpless then.
I still feel it now.
The pain was horrible almost life threating.
To see my father cry.
Watching his poor wife die.
I didn't cry at first.
The fight was still fresh in my mind.
What was one less person to worry about?
The funeral tore me apart.
But I dare not shed a tear.
My pride was to high, my ego burning.

I watched them lower you.
I still held my breath, why cry?
The tombstone raised as I got older.
11 at the time of death.
I didn't feel the foolishness.
The days ate my heart.
This was not suppose to tear us apart!
Then the day came.
Oh what fool I had been!
What was daughter without her mother?
I finally cried, I let my tears crush my soul.
My pride, My ego fading away to the pushed away memories.
The days at the beach.
These were no more.
I couldn't even remember your face.
NO! not anymore.
I couldn't remember you face, what a joke that may seem, but hell I remember your smile.
What a caring smiling it was.
A young age of 34,
Never to walk this earth anymore.
I would never feel your hugs, your goodnight kisses.
What a fool I was to not cry at your funeral.
To be this monster who wanted so badly to show.
That I didn't care.
A fool I was to hide my cries,
a young child of 11 alone in this bed.
Crying for her mother to bad she is all gone.
Now i know i should have cried then instead of now.
I should have held her hand in the hospital.
I should have said I loved her.
So much to say to her.
I want her to know i was sorry for fighting with her.
I didn't mean to make her cry.
Leaving me to wonder if maybe her death was my fault.
Did I make her cry her soul out?
Is that why she left?
Maybe i was to blame for everything that came.
..So all that is left is for me to prayer.
Hoping just maybe she can hear me say...
..I love you and miss you mom sorry for being this way..