Life

On till 5 am.
More than once.
Why did i do it?
Together, we used me.
Everything is a secret.
Lying, laughing.
Scheming, planning.
Crying, seeing.
I'm not stupid
or am i?
Sitting here hours.
Waiting, for him
never coming.
But its not okay.
Not anymore.
I'm going to miss him.
I'm going to cry.
I want to fly away.
I want to leave.
But i want to stay.
But i know.
I want to tell her.
I cant.
I cant.
Its killing me.
I want him.
I want to feel safe
I want to cry.
I want to let it go.
Truths keep coming.
Reality keeps leaving.
Why do i feel this?
Confused, Helpless
I dare to say.
I dare to think.
I'm sorry.
Sorry doesn't matter.
Sorry is nothing.
Sorry is nothing in a ocean of hate.
I wanted, needed, loved him.
Addicted.
I cant stop.
I want to, i need to.
Don't want to get caught.
Don't want to care.
but i do.
I should love them.
but sometimes i want you to be here with me.
instead of them.
I want to look different
I want him to stare.
Take his arm, and never let go.
I tell myself that.
Sometimes i believe it.
But i know, he will just shake it off.
Shake me off like I'm stupid.
Maybe i am.
Shake me off like i don't matter.
Maybe i don't.
Maybe i don't matter to anyone.
I know that untrue.
I know i matter.
I matter to lots of people.
Plenty of people.
But not him.