Raindrops On My Heart

*Yes, I know this isn't a poem. Nor is it a journal or diary entry. I just wrote what I felt, and what was on my mind. And that's all that matters to me.*

No matter how much pain exists within me, I still manage to fake a smile.

Today, I cried. Cried so hard. Tears flowed steadily down my cheeks, but noone could really tell. Because I was standing in the rain. We have something in common, the rain and I; When we cry, it seems impossible for us to stop. It felt like everytime a raindrop beat onto my face, my heart broke into another piece. I can't even begin to tell you how much it hurts, how the pain wells up so strongly in my heart that I can barely breathe. I mean, what do you do? When you feel all hope has disappeared and you have not a soul to turn to? Or when your heart hurts so bad, you just keep wishing in your head everything that's going on around you is all a dream. That your just asleep. But in reality it's all true.

As I sat on my friend's porch steps tonight, I thought of so many things. I first thought what everyone thinks at a time like that, why me? Isn't that the question nearly every human speaks aloud, but never does it get answered? Then I thought, why on Earth do I put myself through such pain? I only get hurt in the end.

But I can't help the fact that my emotions overload, and the more I cry, the weaker my heart becomes. And can we really help the way we feel sometimes? Like the way we feel for someone, and how painful it can be. Or no matter how hard you may fight, those dreadful memories remain vivid in your mind. Can we really help that?

But for me, the worst feeling in the world is being alone. It's worse than any physical pain imaginable. It's a feeling of emptiness. A time when there's nothing but sorrow. Lonliness is the only thing that, for me, seems impossible to fight. I feel as if it takes over me sometimes, over my body. It seeps into my heart, and becomes one with me. It lives in my very being, and follows me. Something like a shadow of some sort. People will glance into my eyes and I see a familiar look on their faces. Like they can see into my soul, but through my eyes. They see my pain, they see my struggle. They see everything. But I believe what really sticks out is my mask. My mask of smiles. Everytime I try to attempt to fake a smile, it's like another part of my spirit gets broken or devoured. It's almost impossible to explain.

I say all of this with hope of that someone out there will understand. Someone who can truly relate. I know there are others who, by far, have it worse than me, so I shouldn't complain. But I just want my voice heard, my feelings poured out. My heart back into one piece again. To feel the joy of happiness, and the feeling of being able to breathe just a little more easily. I also want to be loved for who I am, and known for what I can do, what I'm capable of. There's so many things in this life I'm curious of, things I wonder. From, why is the sky blue? To, do Angel's really sing and protect you? But there's one thing I'll always wonder and never find an answer for...
When will the rain stop?

Thank you for reading. It means so much to me. I've had writer's block for the past month or so, so this is the first thig I've written since. So it may not be as good as my other work. But please vote and comment. Thanks again.

-Ashlei.