Love the feeling i live with out

Love the feeling i live without
the feeling i long for but never arrives
still i wait and hope for love to come
but instead sadness and depression consume my world
taking over my mind body and soul
drugs and alcohol numb the pain
but there is only one real cure
i try again and again
but cant bring myself to step of the chair
is it because of the pain and suffering i will cause others
is it because i am afraid of going to hell
still i cant figure out why
so i sit and wait until i can go through with the cure