Why wont it go away

Just when i think its gone for good
it ocmes back
i dont know why
maybe i subconsciously trigger it
maybe i love being like this
hmm i could have a personality disorder
tht would explain it
but if i do have one
thats even worse
im not gonna be on tablets for
the rest of my life
its pointless
i cant be helped in anyway ever
i cant be in a loving relationship
because ill ruin it like i always
ruin everything
i think i always will
so whats the point
maybe i should just
fu**ing die
my life is pointless
im worthless