A Stroll In a Meloncholic Thought

by Steven Topaz   Jan 5, 2009


The look in your eye,
saying I'm lonely and I'm about to die,
The look in your eye,
Quickly glancing at all the past lies,

The thought on your mind,
That of the heart you wanted to find,
The thought on your mind,
that now I'm here baby, we both already did our time

With the prejudice of the stereotypicals
With the anti-PDA hypocriticals
the world that you have put me in..
Still freaking unbelievable.

With the world as our jail,
living off bread and water,
parents have no money for bail..
Yet i see into your heart even farther..

And the insecurity of the slippery cold roads of the past
Which i had been standing on until today,
And the phobia of ending up on my knees again praying to god..
Never again to god I will pray..

Never again will i ask god for one more love,
Never again will i ask him for a sign,
Never again will i look to the sky for the white doves,
Instead, I thank him for my incredulous find.

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Latest Comments

  • 15 years ago

    by AngelicDecadence

    I liked this, although, on the first stanza, you might want to try this, instead of: "The look in your eye" You should try "That look in your eye" For me it seems like the signifigance is easier enterpeted that way, but it won't make a huge difference.

    This was a LOT neater and compact than the one I read earlier, the only thing I can see that would add to this was that I DID notice you have a few places where you didn't capitalize your "I" 's Now, you don't have to.. But it would help the flow. And I did notice it.. so I'm sure others have a well.
    Great Job. This was well done.
    5/5

  • 15 years ago

    by Teria

    "saying I'm lonely and I'm about to die"
    [saying I'm loney and about to die]
    - Makes it shorter and sweeter.
    The first stanza wasn't great. I didn't like your whole rhyme scheme. It was kind of cheesy. Try something like rhymezone.com if you're one of those who insist on rhyming. If not then I'd suggest not rhyming at all. Or practicing a bunch with it.

    Time does not rhyme with mind or find.
    "The thought on your mind,"
    [The thoughtS on your mind]
    - You may mean one but overall it doesn't make sense. I'm sure he/she thinks about it more than once.

    Another suggestion would be taking the stanzas and making them into lines of 5. Some of the lines are too long compared to other lines.

    "With the prejudice of the stereotypicals
    With the anti-PDA hypocriticals
    the world that you have put me in..
    Still freaking unbelievable."
    - Smarter rhymes. But, care to tell me why you go from a bunch of rhymes to a few?

    You did this from then on. Which makes me suggets changing the other two stanzas so they don't rhyme so cheesy-like. It will help it be more emotional to people.

    In the last stanza maybe say
    "Never again ....
    ....
    ....
    ......"
    Instead of repeating it just put commas to separate the things you will never do again. It's too much

    I do like this poem believe it or not. I think you did a swell job writing it and it just needs a lot of work

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