She takes her stubby pencil of red,
desperately tries to show the tears she shed.
But the pencil shatters against her will,
the tears in her eyes just don't seem to spill.
So she grabs another pencil that's bright yellow,
her eyes bright and mellow.
The greens and blues explode across the page,
the colors turning into a stage.
Two young people stand at the edge,
their hands held together in a quiet pledge.
Eyes so quiet they bind in the light,
two more wandering souls finally unite.
Colors spill across the paper,
the tears in her eyes turning to vapor.
Her mouth turns up in a smile,
her lover standing ahead in the aisle.
You sounded like you wanted honest comments so I'll try to do my best.
1. There were quite a few minor errors, an apostrophe here or a comma there. Nothing too big.
2. The story was very very nice. I enjoyed it throughout. I loved the entire theme of it and the way you incorporated love into the poem.
3. There were a few words that I thought may have been placed in just for the sake of rhyming? It really doesn't matter because its your poem - and frankly as long as it makes sense to you then everyone else can screw off.
4. Don't begin sentences with the word "so". Its not formally acceptable.
5. It was a great poem. The imagery is what makes it. Keep writing like this and you'll do great.
I realie love the imagerny here on this poem. i could see everything what she was doing while i was reading it. i realie love it a bit sad indeed. nicely done here. for me u dnt gotta change anything.