Jesse: Inventory of Being

I am Jesse

I am 15 years old

I am trapped in an age of freedom, horribly against my will
I am not very tall, but I'm taller than her
Which is all that really matters
I'm an adolescent, neither young nor old
I've been told I'm wise beyond my years
Then again, I have also been called a fool

I have ferociously curly hair
She loves it, so I do too
She says I smell like myself, but doesn't know what that is
I've been told I have meaningful eyes
Sometimes I wish people would give me compliments
That I understand
I dress like myself, because I can't afford brand names

My favourite food is chicken alfredo
But I am a vegetarian
So I'll settle for fettuccine
Pizza, of course, is always welcome
Just one of those always things
Like air, or ice cream
I enjoy a hot cup of tea
Or a cold cup of root beer
I also love strawberries

I dislike chocolate, except when she eats it
Cookies are God's gift to mankind
I like rainy days because everything is shiny
And smells good
I like cheesecake, but only one bite
I dislike mosquitoes and small spiders
Big spiders are alright
I like people who hug for a long time
I like kissing in sprinkler water
I like jumping in puddles
And sleeping on my tummy
I like skittles
And smarties
And eating the red one last
I like giggles and ears
And smiles that reach your eyes
I like the smell of burning wood at winter time
I like a warm shower halfway through the day
I don't like trend followers
The smell of baking makes me happy
I can't bake
I hate loud music
Silence is adequate
I like the cold side of the pillow
A warm hug
A soft blanket
And a grilled cheese sandwich
With or without ketchup
I like mustard, not on cheese though
I hate the reds

My mom is impossible to negotiate with
She is annoying and unpleasant
Potentially devastating
But I get over it
My dad can be a pain
But he can name all the musicians in any band ever
He listens to Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd
Jacqueline wants to be my friend
She shows her affection by getting me grounded
And calling me stupid
And throwing things at me
And coming into my room
To throw things at me
Then call me stupid
Rachel is bouncy
No way to describe it
It just how it is
She's playful and annoying and impossible to understand
I look forward to beating up her future boyfriends
Because that's what big brothers do
Gabby is my best friend
I love her to death
She is my Teddy, I am her Tomato
Tomatos are animals too
Breanne is my girlfriend, which is very weird to say
She's more than a girlfriend
She is my seal, because I am her polar bear
She is my muse and I am her poet
If she was a bird
I would fly around her in small, concise circles
Until I got dizzy and fell
Hoping she would fly down and kiss it better
She is my wonderwall

I'm afraid of big things that are hard to explain
And very little spiders
I'm afraid of being trapped in a state of being
That does not allow me to express anything
Or let me leave
Like a coma
I'm afraid of being unloved
I'm afraid of being nothing
Death doesn't scare me, neither does public speaking

I hate when people chew loudly
I hate the word scissor
I hate how words like hate and love are over used
I dislike the sound of pens clicking, but click pens a lot
I dislike people who insult me behind my back
If you're going to hate me, do it loudly
Haters make me famous
I feel special if you waste time out of your life to hate me
I dislike the sound of moving desks
I dislike the sticky feeling you get from sweat
I dislike when my leg falls asleep

My favourite place is California
I miss her
I miss the warmth
I miss the palm trees
I miss the taste of rapidly melting ice cream
I miss how much I dislike sand
I miss sunsets and sprinklers
I miss pink jenga
I miss swimming pools
I miss tanning
I miss traffic jams and counting cars
I miss roads so hot my shoes melt
Mostly, I just miss her

My room is clean and tidy
Except for my bed
Making beds is a waste of life
Five minutes a day adds up
I have my snake on a desk next to my laptop
A few pictures on my wall
My two guitars under a map of the USA
I put thumbtacks in places where I know people

I treasure my notebooks, my hours of poems
I gave two to Breanne, and I'm working on one now
She cried when I gave them to her
Her mom gave me looks
I treasure my ring
It has happiness on it
Gabby gave it to me for Christmas
But I opened the present early
Accidentally
It means a lot
I bite it and it helps me think
I treasure my friends, I don't think that counts

I want to go to university
I want to be a psychiatrist
I want to be with Breanne again
And to give Gabby a hug
I want a house with a big bright kitchen
And a room full of books
And a real fire place so I can always smell wood
I want a wall full of pictures
Of beautiful things
Like rainy days, or trees, or butterflies
I want peanut butter cookies on a shelf above the fridge
Where Gabby and Breanne can't reach them

I believe in right and wrong
I believe that right and wrong are independent of my beliefs
I am a christian
I do not judge people
I have strict guidelines
I believe in mistakes
I believe in learning from them too
I believe love is the most important thing
I believe love can not exist without honesty

People can be horrible
No other species will kill it's own
Resources and lives poured into empty causes
We throw parties
You throw knives
People have too much hate
People can be beautiful
We can love powerfully
Even more than we hate
We can cry
We can feel emotion
We can change everything
Move anything
We just need to love more

I like to swim, it feels as though I'm flying
I like talking to my friends
I like to dance in kitchens
I like to write
I like to help people
I like to give advice

My favourite book is Looking For Alaska
Perks of Being a Wallflower is unbelievable
Crank is poetic, realistic
Jack's Mannequin is my life story
I love ska and indie and rock and punk and alt. and emo
I prefer Grateful Dead over Bring Me the Horizon
Pink Floyd over The Devil Wears Prada
And anything over the Jonas Brothers

Breakfast at Tiffany's and Phantom of the Opera
Breakfast club and Pulp Fiction
I love breakfast

Green is serene
Red is passionate
Blue is Breanne
So is pink and white
Purple is royal Violet is purple
Yellow is happy
Indigo is a joke
Black is elegant, classy, mysterious

I have a dog named Frodo and a snake named Apollo
My sister has a floppy eared bunny named Havarti

If I could travel I'd bring Breanne and Gabby
I don't want to travel the world
To see famous places
The most beautiful things are usually unknown
Like a coffee shop in France
That makes amazing coffee
Or an open field with a tree in it
I small lake with trees all around
An open blue sky
A picturesque situation
I want to see those
They are where I'd travel

I need Breanne
I need Gabby
I need love
I need to be loved
I might need air
I need hugs
I need senses
I wonder sometimes if being blind is worth it
Because everything else is enhanced

My hero is Gabby
She is poetic and lovable
She is quirky and weird
She can love unconditionally
She is what everyone should be
My hero is Edgar Allen Poe
He is dark and mysterious
He can write out emotions
People can feel his words
My hero is Andrew McMahon
He has cancer, but he is not dying
He is an intellectual stoner
I can feel his words

I have strong morals
I have weak self esteem, but I try not to show it
I'm sexy, and cute, and all around dorky
I give strong hugs
I give soft words
I can write, mostly
I can not, however, spell
Or read cursive
Or sing
Or dance
Or light a match in one try
I'm either humble or stupid
I let my mind wander, sometimes I get lost

Love is the most amazing, important thing in the world
Love can hurt or heal and make you fall or fly
Love is trusting someone
Letting them hurt you
Hoping they won't
Love is rainy days
Love is one bite of strawberry cheesecake
Love is the smell of roses
Love is an action, not a feeling
To Love

I hope I can be with Breanne
I hope I can see Gabby's bench
I hope I can curl up and watch Breakfast at Tiffany's
With my two favourite people
I hope I'll be more than nothing
I hope I become special
I don't want to be famous
I just want to be something

My name is Jesse

This is 2009