You..
are the savior
to my thoughts
Yet, you-
like a dying butterfly-
Lie down on the floor,
Unable to save yourself..
^^^
Some great imagery here Nee !

You twit me..
For not holding on..
To a life worth fading,
Whilst you die on
^^^
Nee I really like this stanza but "twit" sits funny with me. I was thinking criticize, tease ... something like that. I know they all mean the same but "twit" just seems to make the other lines seem less powerful to me.
But it's a great stanza !!!!

We are two different reasons
You die because you had never been
loved
I die because I
Never could..
And we have the
same ending

One shot for two..
^^^
So much told in these ending lines. One has never been loved and perhaps wants to be ... the other feels they can not love ... or love that person.

You die because you had never been
loved
^^^
I think here it may be "have" but I am not really positive on that one. (You know me with words .... lol)
Best to let someone who knows for sure critique that part .... lol

Really great read Nee ... you can feel the sadness flow through the lines.

Thanks for sharing hun
Lu

This is certainly a poem, and, in my opinion, a great one. I love free verse, and you managed to get the best of it here. You created good flow, and the meaning of your words is filled with deep emotions and it's truly heartfelt.
I like how this seems simple, yet it's so intricate and deep.

I have just one small critique- maybe you can replace the word 'die' in the second stanza with the one with similar meaning [for example- perish] because the repetition of that word in the next stanza ruined the flow a bit, and I think that its place in the last stanza is more effective.

Other than that, this is utterly amazing. Excellently written.

Nema,

This was indeed a good poem, sweetheart.
The word twit is strange in the content somehow.
Really a tragic story about two people who have no love, for different reasons.
Strong wording and I think you should make more free verses:)

Hugs lovely:)

5/5 Ingrid

I thank you guys so much for the amazing criticism..I really needed it and each one of you gave me great ideas.
I seriously appreciate this =)

Beautiful job!!
5/5!!

great !!

You
are the savior
to my thoughts
Yet, you
like a dying butterfly,
Lie down on the floor,
Unable to save yourself..

-What a beautiful way to open up this poem. I love the metaphors
that you used here. It has such a deep meaning to it.Having a person
who saves u but he couldn't save himself

You reproach me
For not holding on,
To a life worth fading,
Whilst you perish on

-very stong words u used here in this short stanza.Having to
find a person fault for not hanging in the relationship that u're in.
But you know all better than it's not going to work in the 1st place

We are two different reasons
You die because you have never been
loved
I die because I
Never could..
And we have the
same ending

One shot for two..

-You end it flawlessly.Though both of you have different reasons for
for rejecting love. In the end both of you are still hurt.

This poem is less than a masterpiece.It was really beautiful crafted
as a short story poetry that is able to draw the readers in

Excellent Job
5/5

Nice to see some freeverse here.

I loved how you phrased the first stanza, the image of the dying butterfly was very strong and it helped convey what you were trying to say. I admire your choice of form here. It's not too experimental. I don't see why you've capitalised the start to every line though.

'You reproach me
For not holding on,
To a life worth fading,
Whilst you perish on'

My attention was automatically drawn to this bit in the poem, since it's the smallest in stature and line length. I hope this was intentional. It sounded really nice read. The flow didn't jolt and I liked your word choice here. 'A life worth fading' was a good play on words.

I loved the ending, it held a lot of power in the words. The parallellism you used between the two personas was very striking.
The one line standing on it's own added something extra, it's just when you thought it was over, it hits you.

It's a strong poem that kept my interest and I'd like to congratulate you on it. It definitely is a poem and I'd like to see you attempt more free verse.

Hi, Nemo!

Well, this is about the third time I've read this poem, and I still love it. It's very vivid and meaningful, and conveys a lot of powerful emotions. This is something that not many people can achieve.
However, I did see a need to tell you a few things, and I hope you don't take them with offense. :)

Now, as you may know, many writers have trouble with punctuation, because it can be a confusing thing at times due to the "rules". Mostly because they tend to be elastic.
I've read several of your other poems, and I love them very much, and you do have a way with phonemes, morphemes, grammar, syntax, semantics, and all that fun stuff! But I'd like to point something out.

Close to 90% of the time, the only marks of punctuation a writer needs are periods and commas---the first as "terminal punctuation," (the marks that usually end sentences; periods, question marks, exclamation points). The other as "internal punctuation," (e.g., commas).
So, at the end of your poem:

<One shot for two..>

I would suggest you change it to one period. Yes, the vast majority of sentences are ended with a period, simply because most of what we write is simple declaration, and its mood is indicative.

Second, your beginning.

<You
are the savior
to my thoughts
Yet, you
like a dying butterfly,
Lie down on the floor,
Unable to save yourself..>

Again, at the end, one period. And at the beginning, I actually recommend you replace the ellipses (you don't have to if you don't want to!) but in my mind's eye, that seems correct. Secondly, add a period after "thoughts", and replace your hyphen, and remove the comma after "yet". So...

<You...
are the savior
to my thoughts.
Yet you-
like a dying butterfly-
Lie down on the floor,
Unable to save yourself.>

It might look weird and out of place, but that is because of your short sentences and lines, which make up the poem, in my opinion. It goes really well. :)

<You reproach me
For not holding on,
To a life worth fading,
Whilst you perish on>

I'm sorry, I'm a geek for punctuation. Period. :)

<We are two different reasons
You die because you have never been
loved
I die because I
Never could..
And we have the
same ending

One shot for two..>

I would suggest you add a colon at the end of "reasons" and a period at the end of "loved", and also a semicolon at the end of "could". And use ellipses at the end of "ending". And again, one period at the end of "two". And replace the "and" with a "yet" at "and we have the same ending."

<We are two different reasons:
You die because you have never been loved.
I die because I never could;
Yet we have the same ending...

One shot for two.>

I hope this is helpful. And if I'm a bit pushy, please tell me. :)

Nema
You did a wonderful job with this piece. How unique. Great imagery and word choices. The sadness can be felt in every word.
Take Care
Cindy

Nice first free verse...they are very dificult to pull off...good metaphors and content...

THis is a poem that leaves the reader shrouded in mystery. Yet it so sad & there is
a deeper emotion behind it. Touching write..

Congrats on the win, sweetheart:) *hugs*

Congrats on your win Nema :)

Congratulations on the win! Well deserved, I re-read this poem a couple of times since you posted it and I really, really love it.

Keep up :)

Perfect.

-Bow

Hey Nemo...sorry for being so late in commenting though i read it days back. Its a great poem and very unique indeed. Loved the pattern and you really used it to your strength, very nicely written indeed.
Congrats on hitting the top spot...much deserved one.

all the best and take care

You won the contest! Mashallah, Mabrook sweety, you deserve it...but a mere weekly contest means nothing to this write. It is intense, incredible, and extremely beautiful like you. I can't even describe how it touched me hun. Great write!

Nema,

First of all I'd like to say congrats on the win. this was definitly well deserved and I just want to let you know that I absolutely adored this poem written by you. It's amongst my favorites. Free verse is amazing and when you pull it off it creates the best feeling ever don't you think? Honestly, I thought I commented on this piece for you but it looks like I never got around to it. I've been overly busy later but atleast i'm here now.

This piece was written elegantly, so simple and yet to me it held so many different thoughts and deeper meaning. To tell you the truth I adored the structure of this poem, I feel as though you paused in all the right places in order to create an amazing flow while allowing the reader to intake huge chunks of the emotions you portray.

"You die because you have never been
loved
I die because I
Never could;"

I fell in love with those lines above. You know, alot of people who actually know me that read poetry on this site, for example, Nevena and Auzy, know that I struggle to build emotion within myself while reading a poem, infact i'm not good with emotion at all, so when someone actually touches my heart, it's quite a rare thing. The lines above touched my heart, deeply. I feel as though I can relate to it, maybe that's why. But you created so much lovely emotion within my heart and I want to thank you for that. It was wonderful.

Overal this is such a simply amazing poem.
-Mel

Every week i read this poem ... gives me some sort of satisfaction ......

this is the most adorable poem i have ever read....

Wow this is an older poem from you but this poem is very well written. I'd argue one of your better written poems on here. But-

The title speaks of such sorrow, The first and obvious thing I think of here is two people who have "agreed" to die. There are many possibilities here. Like two siblings or family members. Friends or even lovers at one point. But I truly love this title because of the feelings it holds, and going into the poem as the reader, I expect to feel sadness.

Stanza one- This stanza spoke to me so well, because I know exactly how this feels. Because I am the person who is lying on the floor, wallowing in my own misery. This person seems to be the person you keep living for, the savior of your thoughts as you say, but in that they cannot save themselves. It reminds me of a person who tries to make everyone else happy but when it comes to the end of the day, they fall into their own depression and no one knows how much they hurt. I do love the imagery of a dying butterfly. Because you see this person as beautiful, but with broken wings.

stanza two- Oh, This stanza hits the reader right in the heart, and This also oozes sadness. First of all, The main character, (whom seems to be you) has their own struggles with depression, and seems to hide it well. No one really knows why this person wants to die or why either person wants to die. but I like it this way, because there is a hidden meaning to me. The way this is written, it is hiding a lot and when someone is depressed they try to hide their depressed feelings from people, I thought that was a nice touch to the poem itself.

Ending- Until The ending when all is revealed! I thought the ending could have gone either way, by hiding or revealing with why you want to die. When people think of love, they always think of the happier and blissful times, but here you express the darker side of not feeling it at all. I connect to this so well. It seems like with all that is said, you two were one. Which I love because it connects with the title and the mutual death. This is a really well written poem and story. :)