Dancing the Waltz.

by Courageous Dreamer   Mar 12, 2009


Blue dress sparkling with jewels beaming full of elegance,
is fitted flawlessly around her alluring hourglass figure.
Deeply gazing, intimidation arises as seductive eyes
wrap around his heart, luring his soul closer.

Gently placed, his hand secure on the small of her back,
one of hers lying upon his shoulder, the other tightly held.
The smell of inviting cologne embedded into his tux,
woos her innocent soul, instantly lost in the aroma.

Their bodies move gracefully to the beat of the music,
steps in sync with one another as the song progresses.
Romance faintly flows through their veins with every lyric,
dancing the waltz beneath the star painted sky.

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  • 15 years ago

    by The Prince

    I was looking forward to reading this Temps.

    'Blue dress sparkling with jewels beaming full of elegance,
    is fitted flawlessly around her alluring hourglass figure.'

    First line was beautifully described. It really had a nice touch to it. Crisp language there. The alliteration was nice in the following line but (after saying last night I liked it) 'alluring hourglass figure' sounds a bit...too much? It's like my breath is dying to get to the last word. Bit of a tongue twister. 'Hourglass figure' works on the same level, in my opinion.

    'Deeply gazing, intimidation arises as seductive eyes
    wrap around his heart, luring his soul closer.'

    Wrap around his heart and lure his soul? Hm, I think this couplet needs the slightest rewording. I feel 'wrap' is the wrong choice of what eyes do. I see what you're attempting to do, it's just ever so slightly off.

    'Gently placed, his hand secure on the small of her back,
    one of hers lying upon his shoulder, the other tightly held.
    The smell of inviting cologne embedded into his tux,
    woos her innocent soul, instantly lost in the aroma.'

    There's nothing critical to comment on here, seriously, I loved it. 'Embedded' was lovely, and I adored the image you paint in my head here. It's very classy, very glossy imagery. I really like it. Delight to read.

    'Their bodies move gracefully to the beat of the music,
    steps in sync with one another as the song progresses.
    Romance faintly flows through their veins with every lyric,
    dancing the waltz beneath the star painted sky. '

    For me 'beat' is the wrong word. For a waltz and for something so classy. The word 'beat' connotes...drum and bass to me. It's a shame because it entirely undermines that stanza before it. 'Pace' or something equally significant would do. The rest is excellent. 'Star painted sky' was a nice image to end it on.

    Temps, this was a lovely and addictive write from you, and I enjoyed reading it. Just beware of word choice. Just a few minor alterations and an instant classic for you. Well done. :)

  • 15 years ago

    by Ingrid

    Temps:)

    I could see it all in front of me:)
    Once I saw your picture on here, in your avatar and so I can really see you on that dance floor:)
    Beautiful poem, so romantic!

    *hugs*

    5/5 Ingrid

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