"I find it tiring to breathe
when you're not near
to pollute the air with
your velvet words of love."

I thought this was a very unique stanza, I love your style of writing Temps, a very smooth flowing write. I liked the descriptions and the way they were worded. Those last two lines took my breath away and hold such meaning. Can't wait to read more..

"It feels like someone
has crumbled my lungs--
into small fragments of sand;
shoved them into an
hourglass; and now here
I am--helpless; awaiting
the departure of time; life."

I really like the verb "has crumbled", I would have thought you would write "has crushed my lungs", or something, but this is much more original. "small fragments of sand", very descriptive, sets the scene perfectly. The last two lines struck the reader, I love your usage of ";"s, they create such an effective pause.

Excellent emotions expressed, keep it up!

"I'm choking on this oxygen;
for that's all I ever relied
on was life support; you--
to maintain consciousness."

I liked this, "choking on this oxygen" wasn't the most creative line but it did well here. Those two lines in the middle were good, your poems just keep getting better and better.

"But now--you've vanished;
my lungs have decayed in
this hourglass; time has
been consumed; and I
am finally dead; life
does not exist."

I really enjoyed how you just didn't have a boring form, structure I mean. But you added ";"s and "--" which I thought was a nice touch. "my lungs have decayed in this hourglass", great imagery here Temps, this was just stunning and once again you let out your creativity. "and I am finally dead; life does not exist." <- That was a powerful ending, such simple lines but they hit the reader, and leave them wanting more.

Wow, 5/5 from me, this was just amazing!

You have my vote! Have a good night.

~MaryAnne

:) You told me you were going to write something different, but I wasn't expecting this..wooooooo-eeeeeeeeeeeee girl!

I find it tiring to breathe
when you're not near
to pollute the air with
your velvet words of love.

^^
To pollute the air with velvet words of love...this is so contradictory. I feel as if you are saying you were somehow spellbound by someone, who masters the art of wooing to great extend.

It feels like someone
has crumbled my lungs--
into small fragments of sand;
shoved them into an
hourglass; and now here
I am--helpless; awaiting
the departure of time; life.

^^

Frozen in time...this is how it feels when all hope has left you. I think you worded this pretty well. This feeling of choking on your misery...well done on this metaphor.

I'm choking on this oxygen;
for that's all I ever relied
on was life support; you--
to maintain consciousness.

^^
To rely on an outside force for life support is a very dangerous situation to be in, because then, that person controls you, owns you to a large degree.

But now--you've vanished;
my lungs have decayed in
this hourglass; time has
been consumed; and life
is non-existant.

^^
A very sad ending to a very sad poem. No one should ever feel like this, but I think most people do..the ones who really love with all their heart. They get hurt the worst, when love ends.

Excellent work:)

*hugs*

5/5 Ingrid

A BEAUTIFUL read
it was magnificent
the lines...
"and now here
I am--helpless; awaiting
the departure of time; life."
...were like music.
they were absolutely brilliant

this is a masterpiece
good job

Keenan

I gave this a 5/5 yesterday, came back to comment. This is different once again and sign of your growth in writing. It is well written, although there are a few places I would have broken the lines differently. You have used words to portray vivid images and your words hold the readers interest right to the end, or at least it did mine. Well done and keep growing in your work.

I find it tiring to breathe
when you're not near
to pollute the air with
your velvet words of love.

*This stanza was flawlessly written. I love every word and how well you worked the ito this stanza. Great imagery as well. See you can start a dark poem ^.^ *

It feels like someone
has crumbled my lungs--
into small fragments of sand;

*For some reason I didn't like this metaphor. When I think of something being crumpled I think about it being folded up or balled up. The part about the sand would sound better if you said someone has ripped up my lungs or something like that. But maybe it's just me.*

shoved them into an
hourglass; and now here

*I did think this line was very orginal and so well used*

I am--helpless; awaiting
the departure of time; life.

*I like how you relate time to life. Very clever. My favorite line I think*

I'm choking on this oxygen;
for that's all I ever relied
on was life support; you--
to maintain consciousness.

*I really liked this stanza. I can feel how dependent you were on this person and how it haunts you that they are no longer there. Very sad :( *

But now--you've vanished;
my lungs have decayed in
this hourglass; time has
been consumed; and life
is non-existant.

*Great ending Temps. I think you wrapped everything up here without being over dramtic and too vivid. Wonderful write hun ^.^ Nik*

I admire the way you let words came directly from the mind. Sometimes our inner being takes over and although we're in a joyful mood, at the end there might be an inner sadness unconsously. This is a sad write indeed with plays on the emotive part. Very well done 5/5, kel.

Very good imagery. This set a high standard for dark pieces I believe. Though you may not feel these feelings at the time. The question is have you ever?

I find it tiring to breathe
when you're not near
to pollute the air with
your velvet words of love.

- This particular stanza was very dark. Maybe this was written in a sense of someone else's shoes.
I love the word pollute in this first part. It fits how you are portraying the love. It's like " I have heard it so many times but have seen no truth in it.

It feels like someone
has crumbled my lungs--
into small fragments of sand;
shoved them into an
hourglass; and now here
I am--helpless; awaiting
the departure of time; life.

- This stanza was intense. I thought of the hourglass paraphrase and really liked the ingenuity of your creativity. The imagery depicted someone who was helpless to survive life's daily struggle. Duped by the stranger of love.

'm choking on this oxygen;
for that's all I ever relied
on was life support; you--
to maintain consciousness.

- I really liked this stanza as well. It empathized my view. It's difficult to maintain stability and breath alone without the warmth of a lovers touch. Especially when you love this person so much. When you kiss the taste is toxic. It's a combination of oxygen and morphine.

But now--you've vanished;
my lungs have decayed in
this hourglass; time has
been consumed; and life
is non-existant.

- I can definitely concur that this piece was about lost love with a hint of eerie defiance and thin and worn out patience. The person in this piece waited forever for a fellowship of the heart. A great redemption found in the form of true loves kinship.

[ Again I loved the hourglass metaphor. It fit this poem well. The sands of time eventually cease to drop. For the last grain has fallen. I absolutely adored this work. It was sad and had a mixture of pain of contempt. I could sense a rivalry between living or death. Dying for love is something worth dying for. Because love is everything we need to live for. Beautifully written.]

5/5

-Lilium

I love this poem. Simply love how dark it is.
... Oh right, people don't like one liners.
Uh, just repeat the paragraphs everyone else wrote, I guess.

Very nice poem. i love it. its unique. i havent read anything like it before which makes it even better. 5/5. [[if i could go higher than i would]] :)

I find it tiring to breathe
when you're not near
to pollute the air with
your velvet words of love.

It feels like someone
has crumbled my lungs--
into small fragments of sand;
shoved them into an
hourglass; and now here
I am--helpless; awaiting
the departure of time; life.

I'm choking on this oxygen;
for that's all I ever relied
on was life support; you--
to maintain consciousness.

But now--you've vanished;
my lungs have decayed in
this hourglass; time has
been consumed; and life
is non-existant.

i love how you used the figurative speech. my favorite verse is...
"It feels like someone
has crumbled my lungs--
into small fragments of sand;
shoved them into an
hourglass; and now here
I am--helpless; awaiting
the departure of time; life."

i liked how you used an hourglass. it fits perfect with the theme to your poem. again i say great job.

Wow, truly a beautiful write, and what makes is so much more special for me, is that i can relate almost completely. I couldn't have expressed myself this well! And seemed so full of emotion, i'm a little surprised it aint from experience; but obviously that's a good thing in this case! =] I adore this poem because i can relate; it reminds me of my latest write: 'chainsaw in my chest', because the message i was trying to put across was similiar; but obviously you're the better poet !=D
Don't stop writing! I've nominated this..
MEZi..x