Not Feeling Quite Right

I feel the way I would've
Anyways
If I hadn't used the mechanism
For shooting down my feelings.

True emotions, hidden deep
Its true
I can't seem like one thing
And be another, too.

I can't have you feel
That I'm something you're not.
I want to be like you
Nothing more special
Nothing above
Nothing you can't be
Why do I care so much?

I do want to have you think
That I'm something good
That I can be better
That I can understand
What it means to be clever
What it means to not be bland.

I do want to say
That I am really smart
That I am good with things
That other people flaunt
To pretend they do them well
When they hold out a hand and taunt.

But I wont be the nasty guy in black
Who never turns back
To see the ones he's stepped on
When he's on the attack.

I will appreciate myself
Also, for you, so you can see.
I care about myself
I do work hard for me.

I feel like I've lost some
Of your unconditional respect.
Like you see something in me
That really wasnt there
Because I used it to pretend
Consciously, synthetically
That I can't be something
If you can't also be it.
Now I feel worry
I feel alone, I admit.

I'm sorry.