I sit here and all this negative energy surrounds me, it encompasses me and swallows me alive. He seems to pay no mind to me or to what i feel at this moment and i wonder if that is okay. She is upset and that affects me more, i do not know any more how to please some of these people. Its almost as bad as staying in a dungeon where everyone either beats you, or says horrible things for only your ears to hear and yet even as i ran away from that kind of torture, i found temporary release, and i see now the green grass upon the hill isn't so green after all.
I set aside my pride, and my cares and i try with all my might to be open to try to change myself from the perfect mold everyone expected from me, and now its as if i have nothing and nobody. I lost the one part of myself i knew i could count on and for what i do not even know anymore. He doesn't understand and i know that i don't wish he did, its better for my mind to be battered and torn than to have him realize and make sense of all of my insecurities, and all of my pain. I wish right now i lived anywhere but here.
I am at a loss of words now for the lack of anything worthy of saying with the fear that my own thoughts are no longer mine anymore. The one thing i relied on for survival isn't mine alone anymore, he has to know everything and if i don't tell him he thinks something is wrong and i am hiding it from him. How can i make him see that this is me, and i am just trying to not burden anyone but myself with these thoughts. Share my sorrow with a lonely soul that is looking for someone to relate to, and yet to know that its okay to let all of this out...its my only way without making a mess of his shirt and a mess of my face...a way to hide either my pain, or my fears..i only want this to be heard by me...and me alone.
