Comments : Poem In A Bottle

  • 9 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    I am speachless The imagery took me to a tropical paradise very romantic wording with a great even flow

  • 9 years ago

    by Lana

    This has got to be my favourite from you to date. So many glimpses of images that appear melancholy to my mind.

    For I penned down how your heart beats
    always seemed to echo with the mystery
    of the sea..
    How your rhythmic love, with tender fingers
    slowly caressed my years-
    yet lost me.

    If I had to pick a favourite stanza this would be it but, I'd hate to separate it from the rest.

    Beautiful, as always!

  • 9 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    :)thnx for the nomination and the words u both said..been appreciated..esp over this piece! thnx

  • 9 years ago

    by Jad

    Wonderful job on the poem. I was impressed by the raw emotions that you penned so neatly into every line. You have an extraordinary talent and it showed forth brightly in this piece as you told a story of a lost love. Your overall metaphor was simply amazing, the creativity was scattered as your emotions from trying to get this person back to you but in the end the words are lost.

    "you would find my words behind every dying sun
    or catch me whispering gently
    when the cool breeze whistles in your ears..
    or when you inhale me, as you deeply breathe"

    This was by far my favorite stanza, as it gave the reader a sense of hopelessness and yet hope, that would never be reached. The imagery in this piece is wonderful as well and the poem flowed right from the beginning to the very end. An overall fascinating read. Great job and keep writing.

  • 9 years ago

    by chind

    Wow .... nana this was just oozing emotions. It was such a sad piece :( Your words were so perfectly chosen. As this piece continued it just got more and more heart breaking. A beautiful piece nana... i love it!!

  • 9 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    Never had the ocean flopping wilder
    than the day I saw it calling your face
    ^'flopping' should be 'flopped' but I like the word very much - definitely not a word I hear that often used in this sense. Made me think of the wings of a bird flopping - yet in this case being the waves of the ocean.

    Like angry waves reaching up the sky
    ^ Personally I think removing 'like' would be quite fine here....it's not really needed.

    A beautiful yet sad poem, you can definitely hear the writer's voice, almost as if you are reading the poem you wrote to me that's in the bottle. I thought you truly did an excellent job with the challenge - you can tell a lot of thought was put into each line, each stanza. I loved the metaphor of the lost love being the bottle...definitely creative in a sense... nice write.

  • 9 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    This is really sad Nana:(

    I will pm you my alterations later today or tonight at latest, gotta dash now, a whole new day is waiting!!!

    Love you dearly, sweet girl..hang on in there!

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 9 years ago

    by silvershoes

    I don't like the use of the word "flopped" or "smoochy" because I think they detract from the beauty of the poem with their humorous connotations. Beyond that, this was breathtaking in a way that's not usually captured by love poems - not ones I come across anyway. I felt the love you felt, its emotional intimacy and vividness, I felt it swell inside my heart and I could relate on a personal, almost secret, level.
    Not many people experience a love so rich and fairy-tale-like, and though it appears this love ended tragically... I'm a firm believer that to love and have lost is better than to never have loved at all.

    Great write.

  • 9 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Ok hun,

    I have made some changes that I have put between brackets, words that I feel are more natural, or more appropriate in the context:

    Never had the ocean [roared] wilder
    than the day I saw it calling your face
    As angry waves reaching up[to] the sky
    then crawling helplessly toward the
    sleepy shores,
    lapping against my numb feet..
    I too, returned to the heart of the sea

    In search for the bottle that [was] faithfully
    holding my words.
    Ones you never had the chance to read
    but perhaps you would,
    if the poem ever reached [you]!

    For I penned down how your heart beats
    always seemed to echo with the mystery
    of the sea..
    How your rhythmic love, with tender fingers
    slowly caressed [me for] years-
    yet lost me.

    Only if you walked for a while,
    maybe another [strenuous] mile,
    around these golden shores.[no space between a word and a stop, and be consistent, either you use them all the time or not at all]
    You would hear the sighs
    that I breathe from my heart..
    For if only you search for a while
    you would feel my touch when the
    water sweeps over your skin

    you would find my words behind
    every dying sun
    or catch me whispering gently
    when the cool breeze whistles
    in your ears..
    or when you inhale me, as you
    deeply breathe

    But I never had the ocean [roaring] wilder
    than today
    In search for the bottle that couldn't
    hold tighter onto my words , along my way.
    Fighting against angry waves, that
    paved it's path through our past..
    The glass shattered to pieces-
    just like us
    And the blue ink faded into
    the color of the sea
    Sinking in salty memories-
    just like me.

    This was deep, Nana hun:) I can feel deep emotional pain in all you have written down. Love makes us go trough the deepest valleys and up to the highest hills.

    I think I will post this as a comment after all, because it is nice to have comments that are meaningful on your profile, don't you agree?

    You don't have to use my suggestions, it is a beautiful poem either way.

    *hugs*

    Ingrid

  • 9 years ago

    by Miakoda

    Wow this is truely a beautiful poem. It paints a picture in my mind so vivid and makes me feel the emotions as if they were my own. Wonderful job!

  • 9 years ago

    by Sungrl And Mrs Whatsit

    " another strenuous mile"..........

    What happened to smoochy!!??
    such an adorable, revealing, young and personal word!.....;~)

  • 9 years ago

    by Faithless

    Wow, I like the idea of how you used message in the bottle and what would happen to it if the bottle breaks. Truly a heart felt emotional poem. Excellent

  • 9 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Wow... this poem is amazing! so emotional and deep... I loved every word... It really touched me and I'm really in awe. You write about such vulnerable feelings so beautifully... I love the way you can create such lovely imagery with sad emotions. I love how you talk about yourself as though you are the ocean and I loved the title of the poem. I really enjoyed it. The whole poem was amazing but I must the ending was my favorite part:
    "Fighting against angry waves, that
    paved it's path through our past..
    The glass shattered to pieces-
    just like us
    And the blue ink faded into
    the color of the sea
    Sinking in salty memories-
    just like me"

    Beautiful words!! When you wrote about the salty memories, it reminded me of a time when I was crying because I was so upset about something and my tears actually felt like the salty ocean and it stung my nose! (my nose was running too since that always happens when I cry)

    Wonderful poem... And you really deserve to win!

  • 9 years ago

    by Dixiedaisy

    I love how you seperated the title, Relation and ship into two seperate words. It gave more of an impact when reading it as it went on to talk about the rocky seas and therefore emulated a sinking ship (relationship) I didn't care for the word usage of flopped or smoochy and I thought the seriousness of the poem was altered with them. Very nice poem that many of us could relate to. Great Job,
    Take Care,
    Kay

  • 9 years ago

    by TJ Arizona Eagle

    I have to agree with all the other comments , maybe one of the best poems I have read in a long time. Brilliant works

  • 9 years ago

    by Spirit

    Wow.
    This poem dragged me under refusing to let go. I found myself trapped in the words on a white screen, unable to come up for air, but not wanting to.
    This was a great poem and you should be proud of it.
    I thank you so much for the read.
    >~Spirit~>

  • 9 years ago

    by Jessica

    Great poem 5/5!
    I Really Enjoyed The Creativity!
    Keep Writing!
    Will You Please Rate And Comment One Of My Poems Too?
    Thanks And Great day To You!
    -Jessi.