I am feeling rather depressed today, more this evening than earlier.
I am at work, with peers who, like me, have less than perfect minds.
Five hours into an eight hour shift.
I am not doing too well, I must admit.
This feeling started on Monday, Independence Day,
as I remembered people who have passed on
who helped me very much
to become more independent.
Hence the Independence Day connection.
I miss them all very dearly. They were forces
for love and good and hope in my life.
Mom, Dad, Rick, Pam.
Family and dear friends who helped me become
The Chuck I am today.
But this depression is not a welcome companion.
Thankfully, it is not deep and dark and hopeless,
as other depressions who have visited me.
Strangers from a strange land,
who hoped to drag me back with them
to their own land whose colors are so limited�
only grays and blacks and muted sepias.
With light as limited as colors.
The light and tones there evoke
only hopelessness and desperation.
Because I have unwillingly and unwittingly
entertained such specters,
filled with voices such as unending tears
and paralyzing exhaustion,
I always worry when shades of such visible darkenesses
visit my mind and heart. I fear that they may
take a long-term lease on my mind and body.
AA has taught me to remember that
�This too shall pass.�
To remember that no depression has ever been permanent.
To work my program vigilantly.
To tell someone I love, in this case my beloved Suzanne
that I am having problems with depression,
as yet ever slight. To know that she knows.
To get to meetings more.
To talk with peers about this depression.
I will start with Karen and Denise,
who are also dear friends.
To pray to God for his provident care and help.
To remember that I am never alone.
07/08/2011
