Don't say the word

by The Po whet   Sep 6, 2011


The sun rises when you come,
but my heart darkles when you leave.
I'm at peace whenever you're close,
I'm in torment without you near.
but if it's a must, then leave
me in a state of eternal slumber;
with your kisses and our pictures,
with your melodious seranades.
but if you change your mind,
anytime,
forget that there is a word called,
"goodbye"
for it means
"forever without you"

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Latest Comments

  • 12 years ago

    by Cinnamonspice

    Abed is a good critic, pointing out little things that could help.

    I loved this in the fact it was very touching. It sang of sorrow, and clung to love. Touch it up, and I will nominate it cause you have a winner here.

    Connie

  • 12 years ago

    by Decayed

    Well, I'll start with what's positive in here:

    There are some raw emotions here. They tell some things..

    Negatives:

    Honestly, I'd like to see some creativeness from you. If you could structure this better, it would come handy. Also, try to use some new vocab, not overused, simple, cliched vocabs that don't but weakens your emotions.
    Maybe a thesaurus would help.

    You know why?
    Because one needs to improve, and without a harsh comment, this wouldn't happen.
    Please don't take this personal, I'd really love to see someone who's working hard, someone with potentials, from our club, writes awesomely :)

    Some images here and there would also be effective.

    Think, get inspired, and write. :)

    I hope you take what I said into consideration.
    The next poem, I'll check it, and see if you have considered everything, and I'm there to help you.

    PM me if you'd like to.

    Your friend that wants you to be the best,
    Abed :)

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