Definitely after

Can't you see?
i'm dying.
slowly.
no one sees.
they think they see.
but they can't.
it's impossible.
more like improbable.
too attached to the cleverly cultivated facade
that's ruled my life.
it was a good mask
this is true
but i've grown tired of it
i want to be free.
i've been more myself with you than any other person
but i'm still so far from who i really am.
i even put on the facade when i'm alone now.
because if i see myself
even for a second
i'll break
because i hate the me that wants out
the me that's saying no
let me out
set me free
hear me, hear me.
hear my cries and get me help.
i'm begging.
i need it.
i can't stop.
i'm sick in the head
i need help
i'm not normal.
i've never been normal.

i don't have the courage to hurt myself to release the pain.
so i keep it in.
waiting
waiting
ever so patiently
for someone
anyone
to help me with the way i am
help me be more me
force me to see that this can't work forever
that eventually they'll all see me for who i am
and leave me

but i know that day will never come.
i know that i'll stay this way until i die.
and maybe even after,
no.
definitely after.
because after all
who is ever really themselves anymore?