I don't know what I feel
this is not a sunny sided sugar coated poem with buttery insides
these are my feelings fresh from the irrational tears that stream down my face
This is the cold sensation that runs down my spine
I hate everything that I have become
I feel like a liar, a deceiver of men
of myself
I'm never honest to the one person it matters most
to me
I just want to share my emotions with the world
But I always always have to kiss up one slight detail
I can never just say what I mean
I always say the wrong things
or the right things at the wrong time
and in general I feel like I'm drowning in a pool of bewilderment
I feel like I tell everything out of order
how can I ever be a story writer if I cant even get my storyline straight
This is not a poem with a nice beautiful ending and rhymes that tickle your ears
these are my raw feelings that have been bottled in the very depths of my
black, depressing, annoying, loud, selfish soul!
I've sat on my couch for hours just naming off the ravings of a mad woman
to no one!
because that's the only one who'd get it
who I could talk to and they would not judge me at all!
they would not give me advice!
they would just sit there and listen!
and then hold me..
No one..
I hate this jealousy, I hate what I've done to myself
and I hate that I feel all these damn feelings
but I just cant tell anyone..
And now that I've cried
and grieved
I will leave
this is not a poem, it is not beautiful and lovely
This is the truth behind a lonely smile
