The squeaky leather whimpers
as she bends over to rub her feet that are numb
from sitting Indian-style for an hour.
- WOW.... this opening was so mysterious, I was like where on earth is she going with this and I had no idea where you going to take me. When I re read it, it all became perfectly clear and I got the feeling of pins and needles, but still not moving no matter how much they tingled!
She zips her violet hoodie higher
and takes a deep breath before starting a new line,
bouncing keys out of alphabetical order.
- I love the wording of the alphabet being mixed up, because this truly does describe a keyboard and the words she would be typing. It also makes me think she pulled her hoody up because she was cold, but again she refuses to move from this heaven she is in.
She makes a funky beat that's out of sync,
not caring how the clicking bothers her roommate,
who's tossing and turning on her rock-hard, narrow bed.
- I love this idea also - of the tapping of the keys keeping others awake but who cares? The girl is clearly in love and nothing else matters right now except this moment that she doesn't want to end.
Even though her eyes open and close like a kid playing with blinds,
she can't take her eyes off of the thick, bold words "I love you,"
staring back at her from the glowing monitor.
- Your wording is always so creative - the blinds for her eyes?? WOW! I love this, it is also like a child fighting sleep, they are exhausted and cannot stay awake but yet they refuse to miss out on anything that is going on! I have been here in this position and used to stay awake all night talking online so I know how hard it is to force yourself to say goodnight - it just doesn't happen!
I adore the ending of I love you glowing back, like not only does she read it but she feels it as it lights up the room around her.
Brilliant poem, and you have actually created quite a long and powerful scene in a shorter poem. Nice!
Loved the details in this poem!!.....oh my, cyber love..I've been through that as a teen before...its a tough one...
but, I think the best type of love that can come through the screen is the friendships that can be formed! I love saying I love you to people especially my cyber friends because thats all I can do to show them how much they mean.
One definitely gets wrapped in the story of this piece thats for sure...I was waiting the whole time to see where it was going and where the love was incooporated and I like that you left it for me to read in the last stanza.
6 years ago
For a simple piece, I love the creativity, style and voice. Your word choice was perfect and the over all piece was wonderful. Great write.