Keep Trying

People don't expect
much from me,
I'm just the child of
A single latina mother
who chose to immigrate one
day.

I'm one of those
people who see no misery
in eating alone, I'm one of
those who is comforted,
understood
and nurtured in silence.

sometimes,I'm asked
If it doesn't bother me
to spend so much time
with myself, in all honesty,
I have gotten tired of my own
skin on days. But when you're
fatherless and sibling-less
you kind of have no other choice.

It seems I've been walking
too fast, soon I'll arrive to the gate
of my twenties.
I'm afraid of it opening,
but I know time will push
me in either ways.

I've never been one
to be intimidated
by the unknown
I often wonder
what it would feel
to be thrilled,
to be so enthusiastic about
something you forget to eat,
to finish a good book
or to feel the rain on your forehead.

because up until now
all has felt so meaningless,
and pain is so familiar

---

the things you love you lose..
and, you see, I'm sure of the losing part.
I know I've lost things,
I've lost people,I've lost dreams.

But I'm not really
sure if i have loved.
I'm not sure if
the swelling of my heart
when surrounded by some
people was indeed love,
or maybe relief, joy at least.

They are three
different things but you see,
sometimes things relate,
as if words too were
bonded by blood, strings or so.

I don't know
what to make of my life,
I don't know who I crave to be,
but I've been trying
to reach the bottom
of this universe inside
I'm trying to find a reason,
a purpose, a lie that would
make me seek the truth.

I've been starving for
affection for days,
for months, for years.
I've been trying to look perfect
If it should ever come to me
I want it to feel the same
grace I do when I see collarbones, hip bones.

when I see curls, and soft lips
and pretty eyebrows.

I've been trying,
maybe in vain, but I've been trying
and you know, in this world
trying is all we have left,
after everything
seems to have given up on us.