Coming home

Feeling this way
ain't foreign to me.

it started long ago,
way before I could
reason.

most little girls often
wish for superpowers
and I, I always wished
to be invisible

they wanted to climb
mountains to see great views
and I wanted to throw
myself from them

they wanted the ocean
to bathe in salty water,
and I wanted to drown
myself in it

and they wanted
scissors to cut bunny ears
and I wanted to
cut open my veins with them

this feeling never
truly leaves, even in
my happiest moments,
on the brightest of my days.

it hides, sometimes
or am I the one who
pushes it away?

sometimes,
I leave it outside.

but after a week
or two, it gets home
sick and starts beating
on the doors of my mind
begging to come in again.

..I can't stand this.

you don't understand,
I don't want this, I don't
want any of this, I don't want
anything.

I don't want to feel
this way, but I no
longer know what to do
to not fall into this black
hole over and over again.

I don't want this life,
not even if its showered
in gold, in silver, in colors.

I don't want papers,
nor coins..

because even in
its best dress, life
still looks ugly to me.

even when she puts
on the best make up,
and tries to fool me
with her pretty green eyes

I never allow to myself
to forget
all the things she has done
to me.

I don't want her,
I will never ever want her.

so take her,
don't let her harm me.