Comments : Umbrage

  • 10 years ago

    by Max

    Hmm i see the title is
    "Annoying Sin"
    so mostly it is talking about something wrong the persona in the poem done

    "I felt breathless,
    when she kissed my lips;
    My world clouded with darkness,
    whispering God for forgiveness"

    hmm i wonder if he is a man
    or is she a woman xD

    cause if she is a woman then she think she is a sinner for kissing another woman making her do something wrong with her and feeling like her world became so dark so she ask god to forgive her sin

    and if he is a man maybe he is a bad guy and feel guilty for dragging that woman to his trap and the guilt he feel made his world darker and darker and made him ask god to forgive him

    "Annoying because another sin drips,
    pouring the innocent soul into my mouth,
    and falling to my watering esophagus;
    I just cry the pain as the turmoil
    carries him into my dark hole..."

    well and while he\she kisses the other woman he\she feels like another sin is happening now but he\she cant stop

    and feel like he\she is sucking the other person innocent soul inside him crying in pain of guilt
    for taking somebody else in his\her
    dark world of sin

    well this is a v.good poem
    have good word choice and good imagery
    5/5 keep writing =)

  • 10 years ago

    by Xanthe

    "Annoying Sin" did not really grab my attention. Saying that 'sin' is annoying is subjective. I think it would be considered as annoying, because it is wrong, but sins are caused intentionally (if unintentionally it's not a sin), so it's not annoying. I think temptations are annoying, instead of sins. Hm.. I just think 'annoying' is the wrong adjective here, but that's just my opinion.
    On to the actual poem:
    "I felt breathless,
    when she kissed my lips;"
    ---you are obviously a girl, Mery lol. When I first read this, I immediately thought it was a typo. But it may also mean you are writing from a man's perspective.
    "My world clouded with darkness,
    whispering God for forgiveness;"
    ---this gives a nice, subtle image and I like the personification of the world. Nice.
    "Annoying because another sin drips,
    pouring the innocent soul into my mouth,"
    ---I think the persona is committing a crime that he/she does not want to, so she considers sins annoying. Queer. o.o
    "and falling to my watering esophagus;"
    ---watering? shouldn't it be watery? but I like the imagery. It shows the sin is perhaps entering the persona's whole being.
    "I just cry the pain as the turmoil"
    ---Shouldn't it be "in pain"?
    "carries him into my dark hole..."
    ---him? This totally contradicts the first lines, making this nonsensical. So it's either the first one is the typo or this one is the typo.
    Overall, a good read.
    -X

  • 10 years ago

    by Paul Gondwe

    Alot has already been said..i just was confused when you said she kissed your lips and then you continue to say it was a he, maybe it was both, i dont know but still, this is amazing work from you. This piece flows smoothly and is well written.

  • 10 years ago

    by Kips

    "she kissed your lips"?
    Is this what I think you meant or maybe I'm just thinking out loud here.

    Anyways, I have to say that few of your rhymes were placed in the right places. However, in the 5th line:

    "Annoying because another sin drips,"

    I saw "Annoying" at the beginning and "sin" close to the end of the fifth line. Now what I didn't get in that part is the fact that you meant "Annoying sin." The cause of this confusion appears to be the use of the "gerund, 'annoying'" instead of the "past participle, 'annoyed.'"

    This is how I translated that line,
    "You were annoyed because another sin drips,"

    I believe you were trying to implement the continuity of the rhyming scheme you started in the 4th line.

    (I don't want to write too much about that.)

    Nevertheless, the message of your piece was not lost. Keep writing, keep improving!

  • 10 years ago

    by L

    Uhmm
    This piece is good, there are a few contradictions, actually. I don't know if those were on purpose but I just have to say that if they were on purpose then there are parts where I feel the verb tense are misplaced.
    But I'm going to assume that those were on purpose and that this poem is showing both sides. The part of the guy and the part of the girl... That's what I feel you wanted to do... So if thats the whole point then I guess dividing the poem in two where each points of view start will help the reader analyze the poem alot better.

    I felt breathless,
    when she kissed my lips;
    My world clouded with darkness,
    whispering God for forgiveness;

    --- I feel like this is the part of the guy. He can't resist and blah blah ... He knows that he will sin or that he sinned because is in past tense. And now that everything happened, he is asking for forgiveness because of what he is going to do.

    Annoying because another sin drips,
    pouring the innocent soul into my mouth,
    and falling to my watering esophagus;
    I just cry the pain as the turmoil
    carries him into my dark hole...

    Now this part right here, it's pretty vague and the question is... Who is annoying? Is it annoying? Is he annoyed? Or is she annoyed?

    I'm going to go for
    It's annoying because another sin drips

    And if it is the it is annoying then I feel like this is coming from the view point of a third party and not from the girl or guy.

    If it's not and you meant
    "annoyed because another sin drips.."

    Hmm... Idont think annoy is what you are looking for in here..
    Who might be annoyed? A doctor or god? It rather be sad or frustrated... That another sin will take place...

    Or is the girl annoyed because she just wanted to have fun and she didn't expect to be pregnant and so she is annoyed because of that ...

    Hmm ... Sorry, I can go on with this. This piece is good but yeah it is really vague and it's open for discussion. 

    In either case, keep up the good work. I liked it that you are making me think.

  • 10 years ago

    by Wicked Ways

    I have to say this is a very interesting piece of poetry, the content is quite sad and the note at the bottom made me sad too, but I thought you did a good job conveying the emotions that people go through ... its a good poem. . I know thata subject is deep . . meaningful

    good poem.

  • 10 years ago

    by Jenni

    I'm with Xanthe when it comes to the title. It's not even the fact that it might not be as eye-catching, but simply that I think "annoying" is the wrong word. Especially since there is a note to explain what is the inspiration of your poem. I would not call that incident annoying, but purely wrong and obviously sins are wrong. That is why I'd just recommend you to look for a more fitting adjective here.

    I felt breathless,
    when she kissed my lips;

    ^ At first I thought that the speaker was refering to a good kind of breathless as in overwhelmed by the moment and that kiss, since usually kisses are something to enjoy and I think it's a good way to start the poem because obviously there is something fishy about that kiss or the relationship the speaker and that woman share in general.

    My world clouded with darkness,
    whispering God for forgiveness;

    ^ Either you replace the semicolon in the second verse with a period or you do not capitalize "my" in the third verse because that'd not be accurate.
    However, this underlines the fishy feeling the reader gets and it shows that there is something, which isn't quite right. I'm not certain whether the speaker regrets the kiss and asks for forgiveness because of that or whether the consequences of the kiss make him feel guilty.

    Annoying because another sin drips,
    pouring the innocent soul into my mouth,
    and falling to my watering esophagus;
    I just cry the pain as the turmoil
    carries him into my dark hole...

    ^ This part really made me speculate all over, obviously you're telling how a soul/life is transfered from one point to the next, now I wonder from who to who or where to where. At one point I even wonder whether the perspective of the speaker changed to the speaker being that "toilet", which might sound absolutely redicolous, but it'd fit with the note you left at the buttom of the poem.

    Now I know I might be wrong, but I like the fact that you're not stating the obvious and leaving space for interpretation as I believe it was purpose, yet it'd be a bit more helpful if you made a few parts more clearly nonetheless.

  • 10 years ago

    by CuteThingsGoneWrong

    Wow.. This is completely different for what you wrote about. I dont think i could write about this subject its very dark and serious... Wow...

    I dont think i can give a good comment on it because what it is about

  • 10 years ago

    by Joseph Boadi

    The beginning was very confusing,i had to read close to the end to get the message.i think you managed to pull off the magic this poem needed at the end.great write but you have to be careful the next time.anyway on a broader platform it was good

  • 10 years ago

    by Joseph Boadi

    The beginning was very confusing,i had to read close to the end to get the message.i think you managed to pull off the magic this poem needed at the end.great write but you have to be careful the next time.anyway on a broader platform it was good

  • 10 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    You have taken a tragic event and created a heart breaking piece.... Your word usage was very tastefully detailed... Brilliant poem... very nice!

  • 10 years ago

    by sun spots

    Can't really add anymore than what Jenni has said.
    Poems like this, though with deep meaning, are not really my cup of tea. I prefer straight forward and simple. I can clearly see that you have put a lot of time and effort into this poem and for that i commend you. I agree with Jenni about the title, nonetheless, credit given were credit is due, well done.

  • 10 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    I freakin' love this.

    My aunt once aborted her two children but not in the toilet bowl, she had a surgery. And we all were mad at her, we hated the fact that she lost what God has generously given her. It just makes me feel sick everytime I remember this. I love this poem for wo resons. 1)- It speaks of a real life event that is not only tragic but common, as well. 2)- It has that simple flow which allowed me to stay calm all throughout the read. Was the previous title 'Annoying Sin'? I am glad you changed it. This new one makes even more sense and sounds more poetical to me. I love it because you didn't simply say 'shadow' or perhaps you meant 'resentment'? I don't know, to me, it made pefect sense and related even more to the piece as a whole.

    I LOVE the 'sin dripping' image, making you feel as if something is fading away, making you feel how she felt that her baby was a sin. An awful one that she didn't hesitate to throw it away. I love the subtle unintentional rhymes here and there; 'soul' and 'hole'. And the ending was truly moving. I don't know (I didn't check if that has been nominated) but I'd nominate it anyway, the next week, if it still has a chance to.

    One thing I had a problem with, was the first two lines, how would she kiss his lips? lol. I mean from what I've got from it, that the toilet was talking, haha, sorry if this was wrong, I am too dumb these days. But I'd like to hear some explanation. Perhaps a PM? In all, I liked this, didn't really expect it to be about that topic and I liked it, I thought it was another story of two people saying goodbye or something but it turned out to be something original and touchy. I congratulate you for such a piece. Very well-done.

  • 10 years ago

    by JustAnotherPoet

    Pouring the innocent soul into my mouth,

    ~ My heart ached when I reached this part. I can picture the sight of the fetus dropping into the toilet.

    I just cry the pain as the turmoil
    carries him into my dark hole...

    ~ This is really heart-wrenching. I can feel the pain the toilet is feeling, weird may it sound. Amazing piece of work!

  • 10 years ago

    by Marvellous

    Every action, owes an answer. At the verge of death, judgement comes.

  • 10 years ago

    by Thomas

    Not sure how I feel about this poem

    I understand your disgust but I dont really feel your disgust in particular.

  • 10 years ago

    by Silent Girl

    I love the flow of the word's in tis poem a lot very well written :) 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by East Poetry

    What a tragedy, that this kind of thing happens in this world.

  • 10 years ago

    by Jenn

    Very interesting to read a poem written from the perspective of a toilet bowl... even weirder to say. lol But it works. And it does bring a mournful feeling with it.

    "I just cry the pain as the turmoil
    carries him into my dark hole..."

    Congratulations this is good stuff, and not many people can say they can write a meaningful and beautiful poem about an experience a toilet bowl had. :))

    5/5
    Jenn