What I'm Feeling

All I do is deal with her crap,
The pain and the memories are all coming back.

The minutes have never seemed so long,
And the urge to relapse has never been this strong.

I remember the feeling of using the blade,
Cutting through my skin seeing the cuts being made.

I remember the feeling of wanting to die,
Never escaping the life of a lie.

Everyone says I'm an angel and I wish I could be,
But I'm being overwhelmed by pain that no one can see.

I'm scared of cutting and once again to not eat,
but depression and an eating disorder is hard to defeat.

My mom doesn't like me around boys,
I guess she thinks I'll use them as toys.

So once I'm eighteen I'm going away,
Never looking back and finding somewhere to stay.

I've come to the point where it's hard to cope,
With everything going on, it's getting hard to cope.

Maybe tonight is the night I'll give in,
Give in to my old habit of sin.

But is it really worth hurting my friends,
The ones who say they're with me 'til the very end.

I cannot put them through it anymore,
No matter how many times my life has been torn.

So I only write of what I feel,
Sometimes most of it seems too real.

But I needed to write out what was going through my head,
Unless the world will find me unexplainably dead.