First stanza- I loved how you started out here. It seems you are say that even though it's only 8 pm you are planning to stay up to wait for this person. I think you really love or like this person. Also like how you used coffee because it wakes you up fast and makes you stay awake faster.
Second- I think here you are saying that in your imagination this person makes your world better and you do not want to leave it. Maybe your imagination is through your poetry?. We can create scenes so well because that's what we are made to do. I like the last line here it shows that your reality is not all it's up to be.
Third- okay a small mistake. I feel like became should be becomes as you seem to writing in the present tense and I feel like it would flow more smoothly.
Anyway this stanza shows what reality can really do tous. We become aaddicted so quickly and then it becomes a never ending cycle. I also like how you put 8 am as being the one addicted. That tells me that it's become an everyday thing. Great work on this stanza.
Fourth- I like how you stay with the addiction thing and bring it to the text messages. I think when you have a love so strong that they become your whole world andyou just want aanything to talk to them. Footsteps can be a great thing because again you want to hear when they are coming to you.
End- I loved the use of streets. It tells me as the reader that you waited and no longer did they wait for you. Maybe you usually go on a night walk or something?. The use of a printer is nice too. I liked how you printed your poem out to show your work. You waited and used writing as a distraction. Anyway over all this is an amazing poem. Well crafted and vocabulary was outstanding. 5
Dashiel, there is not much I would change about this. Love the way it is written. There are a couple of places where the tense doesn't match the other and I put them in all caps. And a couple of things words/lines to add to your thoughts. I think this write showcases your imagination and a maturity not often found in younger persons today. It is refreshing to see. You took a time 8:00PM and made it come alive and also used coffee "to aid and abet the time". That is why I added some more about the coffee. The two just seem to go together.
by Mahal Ko Kuya Ko
making time stop
an azure glass jar
kept me away
SWEETEN THE NIGHT. (rather than "that I put.")
COULD BE (rather can be)
the sound of
COULD BE (rather can be)
as your laughter.
looked so strange
paint the sonnets
THE COFFEE. (Just a thought here, remove period after you, add lines)
A very interesting lay-out of words, I feel it reflects the mood of the persona (not sure if that's intentional or not). Well written and congrats on the win!
9 years ago
The only reason this poem didn't score higher for me was because I wasn't in love with the layout/structure. It was a bit choppy, and I think with the content of this poem, a little longer lines would give the poem a bit more flow and maybe not as much coffee-shop-reading emphasis. I do love how this poem completely ties together with it's theme and idea. The ending painted (haha) a beautiful picture and I really loved again, how it all came together. I felt like I was watching an old timey movie or maybe going through a series of photos. Touching, full of longing and sadness, this poem was beautiful!
I really like this poem, it's magnificently apparently simple and I really enjoyed the sense of time that you have been able to create in spite of this simplicity. In this scenario the mere image of coffee as well as the one of 8 pm both contribute to give meaning to the waiting , and combining all of this with the different metaphors scattered throughout the poem was simply wonderful. Good job.