Yuki (Rewritten)

by Mahal Ko Kuya Ko   Nov 26, 2013


A Japanese Camellia,
the Rose of Winter,
frozen, as white as
yuki falling from
a wintery sky,
all recollection
of its color
eradicated,
forgotten.

Together, you and I
sitting near the window,
captivated by our thoughts.
Snowflakes blowing in the wind
dancing to a tune
only they can hear.
Making memories
to be shared
when we are old and gray.

Pen to paper,
reverie as lost
as the yuki's color,
crumpled paper
covers the floor.
Small, feathery masses,
snowdrops, each a flower
that never got to tell
their own Winter tale,
blanket the ground.

And if those snowflowers
find their voice
to tell the world,
my color is white
with the purity and clarity
of the frozen Rose of Winter,
then I shall plant
camellias across
the countryside.
Each one a reminder
of my love for you.

This is a link to the original poem, Yuki, if you care to compare the original version with the rewrite version.

http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/nature/poems.php?id=1228811

A big thanks to Ms. Sylvia :))

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Latest Comments

  • 10 years ago

    by dalllllal

    This is absolutely beautiful i love your wording and how they have a melodic flow to them i really really loved this great work

  • 10 years ago

    by Beautiful Soul

    First- The way you started this is beautiful. The imagery is fantastic here. I can see the flower wilting as the first snowfall comes from the sky. I love how you say this flower looses all of it's colour. But at in the beginning you make the flower come to life. Then the snow comes and takes away it's life. I like the use of the word forgotten here. That tells me that even though this flower was cared for now it's long and forgotten. Also like how you make this flower alive and the snow too. It seems like you make them human. You are very good at that!

    Second- Wow this stanza takes it to a whole new level!! Using the word capitived is outstanding. When we see something that pleases the eyes we do get capitived and it makes us blissful. I can picture that moment when we all look at the window. I love the word memories as well. I think when we go through life we have to treasure the times we have. And I can see here a couple of lover's just enjoying the time together.The ssimplisty of this is great and the imagery is great.

    Third- I like how you went back to the beauty of the outside and how you used writing. It seems to me that what you are saying is that the outside is your muse. You use the elements of wintee to pen what you want to say. You try to write as much as you can but nothing comes to you. I love how you compare the flowers to the paper on the floor. That was a wonderful read. I like how you say blanket the ground. The deeper meankng says that the flowers keep the snow "warm" and beautiful.

    Ending- I love the hope you bring to the whole piece here. Overall this is the best nature piece I have ever read. The imagery again is vivid and hearwarming. The stanzas are breath taking and leave you speechless. Well done.

  • 10 years ago

    by Sylvia

    Dashiel, if you compare the two versions you can see how you had the foundation in the original and how by removing some words and lines that were not critical to the message and expanding others, the poem takes on a different read. The message is still there but expressed in a different way. We did not lose anything in the rewrite.

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