A poet's broken heart

Where do bad daughters go?

what is this and why won't it go away..will I ever be able to touch this subject without becoming a pool of tears. will I ever write happy poems about this. am I truly selfish. or do all other girls crave going far away from the only person who ever did something for them. is it just me. or does everyone out there want to travel all around and be deattached from the world. why am I so scared all the time. what is it that I'm so afraid of. why don't I want a relationship. why don't I want children. am I awful?. will going far away truly fix this broken heart of mine or is it just an idea. should I truly start selling my words. make profit out of it. or just take the smile I give people as the reward. am I unworthy of my mother. because I only ever think about leaving and never coming back. but if I do go then who will take care of her. who will serve her food when she comes home from work even though she will critizise it anyways. who will wash her uniforms when she is far too tired to do it herself. who will mop the floors of this house when visitors leave without the messes they've made. will they take advantage of her. is it my turn to sacrifice all I ever wanted to be. and all I ever dreamed of to be with her even though she never appreciates me. should I stay and be miserable the rest of my life. is it my turn to go out there and work twelve hours a day so she can stay home and eat the whole day. where would I be if she didn't bring me here in the first place. would I be dumber, or smarter. would I be straighter. or would I be filled with Latin American
ideologies. would I be able to speak atleast one more language. what if father had been present.
would he approve of who I am. of what I stand for. would he be ashamed.
why do I hurt so much. why do I feel like I am destroying my life and whatever it is I have.
why don't I bring men home. why is being alone the thing I enjoy the most. am I that bad of a person. have I truly destroyed myself. or is this just the darkness before the sunshine. am I close to becoming who I want to. or is it still too far away. why do I lack so much audacity.
am I mean for not wanting the family that was given to me. for wanting to change all my names because I never think they will make an artist out of me. am I stupid. am I wrong.
should I keep postponing everything, for that better time that just doesn't seem to come anymore.
am I blind. or do I see too much. is my polar really bi. am I sick in the head. and if so, where do I go to get help. is there cost I have to pay. what more will it take to feel at peace with myself.
should I leave my mother behind. or should I stay here feeling myself rot away.
what makes me think that it will be easy being alone in an unknown country with unknown people.
is it because I have never felt like I know my surroundings anyways. because I am alone all the time anyways. what difference will it make. holland doesn't have this much sunshine. is it because I have always felt that strangers treat me better anyways. that those who don't know me yet appreciate me. am I losing my mind. is my whole life a bad dream. am I truly here.
or this is just a fantasy. do I have to pray more. to believe more deeply. to read more.
what is it that I have to do and how do I start doing it. somebody tell me.
please tell me.