The kingdom of pleasure

An eclipse waits for me
as i defy all the laws of gravity
to prove myself my body can,
trying to forgive myself
for the mistakes i haven't made
yet.

- excellent use of the eclipse here, and also the gravity being used is such a great idea. It compares really well to the determination to prove something, against all odds. I like the thought of mistakes you haven't made yet, it is such a relevant thought in life, that we are always making mistakes, and always will, and have to just try our best to learn from them and move on. Forgive ourselves.

and yes,
my body can
sin with and without your consent,
feel my indencency,

*indecency

vomit stars,
finger the universe,
break down
again
because my song is so
pure and imperfect.
(sing with me, please.

let me strech my desire
along your skin,
cutting the silence
in injured halves.
we two are never tired of bleeding)

- I like this part being in brackets, but I think you should bring the first line, which is the last line of the last stanza, back into this new stanza.

i don't have much
to say in my defense
apart from what still
sleeps wetly within.
i want to crown you:
here is the kingdom of pleasure,
here is where i feel
you.

only you can bring
the night into my veins
and i don't mind being hurt
as i grow old,
as my body sinks in (your) roses

- I think by "your" being in brackets, gives an emphasis to this person, that they kind of claim you, claim your heart and being right now. Just what I took from that.

You used a lot of great ideas and creativity in this piece. Quite honest and open too with the idea of stripping back the outer layer of protection, and just revealing what it is that you are, and are thinking.

You have to capitalize I through out the poem.

Loving the title, and the relation the Kingdom, this power, the verse of giving the crown etc. All great.

Well done.

The sensual within this write is deeply felt and
it makes this read so very fiery!

Karla, this piece is great, but I would ask that you capitalize your "I".
other than that, your work is good.

Good and lively

Karla this is great poem i loved it