I thought I never would

by TotaMariee   Mar 13, 2014

I didn't think I'd ever be able to.
I thought there was no way i could, cos you once had that special place.
But to be honest, I do.
I hate you.

I hate you for what you put me through
I hate that it still bugs me, 4 years on
I hate that YOU still get to me, without even trying.

I hate that sometimes, only sometimes but its enough, when I'm lying there unable to sleep at night, you pop into my head. Not just you, but that whole time period.

I hate that I feel a natural curiosity about you. And yes, I use the word natural to comfort myself to feel like its normal. That I Sometimes, and again only sometimes, check your profiles to see what you've been up to. Even thought I know full well I shouldn't.

I hate that every damn time i see a picture of you, a ton of emotions run through my body. Which emotions? I don't know. But it leaves me uncomfortable and irritated.

I hate that, despite how easy it is to just click, click, and click, I cant block you.

I hate that, despite knowing your a total deadbeat and thanking God that he took us apart, I still wonder.

I hate that I still find you attractive.
I hate that I cant even lie and tell myself I don't.

I hate that I wonder if you still think about me.
I hate that I wonder if you still feel, or ever felt, gutted about loosing me.

I hate that despite my life has completely moved on, my head still wont just pack it in.

I hate that I'm left pitifully, praying to God that I will wake up and forget my entire memory, just to forget ever knowing you or having any kind of relationship (if you could have even called it that) with you.

I pray for Amnesia, for gods sake!!

Its f**king pitiful!!

I hate that this does this to me.
I hate that YOU did this to me.

You have no idea how much you impacted me.
And now I can honestly say that I hate you for it.
And I hate myself for still giving a sh*t.


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