I have to finally tell you how I feel, tell you that I love you

Not really sure how to say this, or even where to begin.
I will say that there's obviously something wrong with me, I'm truly just fu**ed in the head.
Because of what my ex did to me, my thoughts on love and being in love got construed.
Now when it comes to being in love or just loving someone, I tend to confuse the two.
Holding all this in, and trying to keep it all locked away,
Is proving to be harder and harder with each passing day.
On the days where we don't talk as much, I catch myself thinking about you a lot.
Even though I know it's wrong and that I shouldn't, I just can't stop.
Think it's partly because whenever I think about you, I can't help but smile.
Been trying to lie to myself but who the hell am I kidding?,
I've felt myself slowly falling in love with you now, for a while.
I know that we could never be,
I know that being gay is a sin.
Continued to keep this a secret cause I'm afraid it'll make you feel uncomfortable, and you'll never talk to me again.
I couldn't deal with losing you, and truthfully, your the only one I've got.
I'd rather feel nothing at all, than to feel something for someone I know I can never have.
Why do I have to feel this way for you? I don't really understand.
Please don't hate me or let this change anything between us.
Please don't let our friendship end.
Guess I'll just put it all out there, but when I first met you, I remember I kinda had a crush on you, even back then.
I promise you, I never wanted to feel this way, hell, I didn't know I could even feel anything like this.
Not after all the heartbreak, and pain I've suffered because of that bi**h.
If you decide you want nothing to do with me anymore after you read this,  I'll try my best to understand and respect how you feel.
I'm used to it by now, everyone always leaves, I already know the deal.
If something is too good to be true, it usually always is.
I knew you'd walk away, and I knew it would probably be because of something I said or did.
I've been up all night trying to decide if I should finally tell you, and if I did, what I would say.
All I can tell you is that I'm so sorry.
I've tried so hard to ignore and pretend that I didn't feel this way, but no matter how hard I try, these fu**ing feelings won't go away.