I feel like I'm suffocating on snot, tears and emotions.. Knowing the monster's still within me, despite my lifes devotions.. Wondering if I will ever act on any future notions.
I wonder why I was born to live a life where I struggle with living.. It would have been kinder to have let me go at the beginning.. Instead of living with someone elses shame to carry, that I seem to have been given.
I'm petrified of losing control. I know the pain and hurt I'd cause.. But that monster's still inside of me. Packed down. But still a force.. And no one ever knows when it will again, begin to run its course.
How long will I be able to keep fighting against embarrassment and anxiety.. Five years? Twenty years? Of therapy after therapy.. Maybe still be the same, end up killing myself anyway because with myself I can't be happy.
Ill mental health is scary because it's unpredictable.. It isn't understandable.. and certainly undictatable.
So what do you do and where do you turn.. To get rid of the demons when wanting to learn.. How to overcome insanity so you don't crash and burn?
When going out is unbearable, but being in is no fun.. For the people around me, it's hard for everyone.. And me. Caged at home. But too scared of out there to run.
Too many people love me, I had kids, made friends, found love.. I fight because I feel guilty not to, for my family and those above.. But every day of my life that I remember, I've found incredibly tough.
And if one day every cell in my body and my brain has had enough.. The monster escapes. My mask falls down and I can no longer bluff.. That I can cope with life and loss and all the other stuff.
I'd let down my friends and family, less in life than death,, If I killed myself. My fault. My final breath.. They could never believe in the after, that I tried my very best.
I have to keep trying to move forward to see a better day.. That unspoken promise to those I love that I will never go away.. That I love them with my everything. But I still am so afraid.
If Karen can do it like many before, maybe it is only a matter of time.. Until I too will have enough of the mountains and hurdles to climb.. If reality hits me, that I too will never be fine.
When others think you're cynical.. 'Think positive thoughts' is a typical.. 'It is all in your head' NO! To me it is also physical.
I feel it with me constantly like an army in my stomach and chest.. Like a mixture of incompatible chemicals all being compressed.. All fighting against each other, and that's what leaves my head a mess.
I wish I could rip apart my stomach and let all that is inside.. Escape. Be freed. Be seen. Be felt. So I didn't have to verbally confide.. How bad it feels daily, when recovery is just learning not to show the real me that hides.
The only control that I have left is when to say goodbye.. And the people that are still alive may question the reasons why.. But not me. Not I. For I know the day that I will be freed will be the day I die.
not my best poetically but may be one of the best to describe me and my feelings.
