Decaying Dreams

Hi Kakera,

It's been a while since I've commented on your work. You have developed an archaic voice without mindlessly using up all the thee's and thou's. I like that, I guess it's the imagery you use. The classical moon and its darkness; your strong choice of nouns and adjectives. You've written a very descriptive poem here.

That being said, you might want to watch out with your syntax. Lest your stanzas become a mouthful to pronounce. Your first stanza, for example, is one long sentence. An easy way of making things easier to read is adjusting your line breaks and adding punctuation. For example:

"O dreadful mirror that hides my shame[,]
locked in a misty reflection[,] illuminated
by the radiance of the crimson moon[,]
staring down at our lost souls[,] struggling to break free
from the cycles of violence and bad faith. "

^ Like I said, that's the easier way, but might not be the most perfect solution as you can see that some lines are becoming longer than others, which some poets find unappealing. But I tried to insert some pauses here and there, just to show you what I think would create a more natural flow.
The words "reflection" and "illuminated" both have many syllables and are pronounced on a fast pace, so I tried to split them up.
On the other hand, I tried to keep "staring" and "down" in the same line because they are like a pair that convey a meaning together. Unless you wanted to create suspense by making the reader hang on to the word "staring", and take some time before knowing where the staring goes to.

I think a better way of avoiding a clogged-up pronunciation and imagery in the future is by trying to write shorter sentences. Your first stanza is basically trying to say: a mirror hides your shame, a shame which is locked in a reflection, a reflection which is illuminated by the moon's radiance, a moon that is staring down at souls, souls that are trying to break free from etc etc. It feels like inception. :P I think you're trying too hard to chain the images together with one action: the one that's carried out by your first verb of the sentence (hides).

In your second stanza, there's more room for breathing because the images are more clearly divided:
[1] "To speak in ancient tongues,
[2] I would usher the arcane truths
[3] that we buried underneath our temples
[4] onto the blood-stained soil under the feet
that armies of decaying dreams march on
valiantly into endless defeat. "
^ I'm not quite sure what makes this stanza easier to read than the previous. Maybe because there are less words that end on '-ing' and more filler words? I am not a linguist.

But despite picking apart these stanzas, I still think your way with description does add a praise-worthy eloquence to this piece. It's simply not the easiest to digest, imagining hearing this poem for the first time when someone reads it out loud to you. :P

The following three stanzas are easier to follow and seem more direct, less clogged up. I think you let yourself more free there. I especially love how the last stanza is divided, allowing for a breathy ending. Like the last words before dying; very befitting of this poem's theme. These last words are very simple, but have a strong impact nonetheless. No need for embellishment.

Overall you've certainly put some brain in here, both philosophically and poetically. This poem touches me in a way. Who hasn't tried to end their own sufferings anyway... just to find hope shattered all over the floor. There's a sense of self-reflection and the acceptance of reality in this poem which I believe many will relate to.

Keep writing,

Saerelune :)

Very sad but powerful piece. I loved your use of metaphors. They really had an impact on the readers mind.
Great job!
Take care
Cindy