This is more like how it feels

by J Nair   May 25, 2016


Sometimes the pain rises like a wave
Lamenting and howling about your departure
Unawares it overcomes me making me heave from inside.
I am not able to think - there is light flashing behind my eyes
Keeps increasing in its intensity and my stomach churns making me cringe.
Bang this happens right in between a mundane conversation I am having with someone at home.
And suddenly it all subsides and I have yet not cried out.

Acha you are gone that is something my brain acknowledges
But something dark is creeping all around and trying to break down my fortified walls,
There a minute ago I was surrounded by my colleagues
And I was carrying out my routine office chores
And within a second I don't know how
But I am panting and exhilarating as though I am being chased and I am running for my life.
It hits me in my gut - you are gone and I will never see you again!!!
And then someone asks me a question and I answer like an automaton
Clear voice, no hesitation.

But what is that secretive darkness , threatening to reveal itself.
Is it you grief, waiting in cloaked shadows to cave in on me.
Cause I feel your heavy presence , my chest constricts with a ghostly pain
And my dry eyes seek for moisture.
I await to be released from this emotionless desert
And greet happy thoughts of you, acha
Of the time we had spent together when I was nothing but just your child.

*Acha - 'Dad' in 'Malayalam'

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Latest Comments

  • 7 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy

    Hello my dear,

    The loss of a parent is hard, especially if they were important in your life, helping shape you as a child so you would grow into a healthy adult. It is clear he took pride in his work!

    Your vivid description of the way you are experiencing 'grief' is almost too real. The word 'howling' is so much more than 'crying' it shows the level of pain - more verging on a mental breakdown. This external 'lament' then internalises to a 'heave' within. Both the internal and external symptoms happen like in an instant, without warning 'Bang' and in the middle of the 'mundane' it hits you hard.

    I remember this feeling when I lost my sister. I would be going about my normal business and Pow, I would feel crippled and tears would spring to my eyes.

    These moment of 'gut' punching pain will continue to occur and should be embraced. They remind us that our loved ones are never truly gone, they are with us always, mingled in the everyday, there likes, dislikes, aromas and so much more.

    I am sure your 'Acha' is hugging you from within, holding your heart, just like you held his and still do. ((hugs))

    Take care,

    Michael

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