Letter to a Friend

by ibelievedhim   May 30, 2018

Yes, I have lived with a heroin addict. Yes, I have been physically and mentally abused. I have lived in fear and dreaded coming home at night. I have been lied to, robbed, and hurt more than I can ever put in to words. I have also loved him more than I thought anyone could love another person. We went through hell together. Three overdoses, two lost jobs, and many nights going to bed hungry. Shouting matches, suicide attempts, kidney disease, and cancer.

I've handled more than my new heart should be able to handle. I've seen more than I ever wanted to see, and I know plenty more about addiction and mental health issues. I've held my best friend in my arms, watched him die. I've called him horrible names while trying to bring him back to life. I've visited him in a psych ward. I've seen him at his best and his worst. I've watched him light up a room with his quirky sense of humor, and I've held him in my arms while he cried and apologized for all the things he said and did to me.

I miss the cuddles and the breakfast in bed. I miss the gentle kisses and the declarations of love. I miss the movie marathons and the bedtime stories. I miss being asked how my day was every night or if I ate that day. I miss the secrets only we shared and the private looks in a room full of people. I miss being taken care of when I'm sick. The back rubs, the soup, and the warm baths. I miss my best friend and soul mate, because he is lost. He is fighting demons that only he can see. Demons he doesn't want to talk about or face. Demons that turn him in to someone he is not.

I hate it when people say that all drug addicts should die, that they are all loser junkies. I hate it when people say they should just quit, like it's so easy. But most of all, I hate feeling helpless and desperate while I watch my best friend continue to spiral downward in to a dark hole. It's a wonder my heart is still beating in my chest. Every time I see the look in his eyes after a visit, his eyes begging me to listen to him, my heart breaks a little more. I know what he's asking, what he always asks me. Stop helping me. Let me die next time. Please, just let me go. I'm tired of fighting.

Even though he won't ever see this, I want him to know that I love him. That my love is unconditional, unbreakable. I will always be here for you. I will always help you in whatever way I can. I hope you decide to get treatment. I want you to stop hurting yourself. You need to forgive yourself for all that you have done. I want you to know that you are WORTHY. You are worthy of friendship and love. You deserve happiness and success, and to live a long and healthy life. I also want you to know that I am proud of you. I am proud of you for continuing to fight this battle, this inner struggle that no one else knows about. You are so strong and so brave, and I don't regret any second I spend with you. I thank God every day that you came in to my life. You have taught me so much about myself and about life. You are amazing and I hope you are able to find your way safely home. <3 Forever and Always xoxo


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Latest Comments

  • 2 years ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    I agree with everything said in the previous comment. My thoughts are with you both.

  • 2 years ago

    by Mahal Ko Kuya Ko

    At first, I was hesitant to nominate this for the contest because of the lack of imagery, of metaphors and many other poetic stuffs, but the raw emotions are just too strong, it hit me right straight to the core! Your username really speaks a lot in regards to this poem. I love how this is dedicated to your bestfriend, because a lot times friendship is overlooked and not chosen over romantic love. I love how you started stating things about yourself, then going on with what you have been through together, the things you enumerated, for me, is something that really drew me to this poem, I love when someone specifies things like those, going on from something usual to something unusual. The things you talk about really pinch my heart, but at the same time, as heartbreaking as they are, I find warmth in them. I just love every sentence in this piece, every line makes me say, 'Wow, that's great' plus the emotions packed in them. Am just not fond of the '<3 and XOXO' in the end, and the title is kinda weak for a powerful and emotional poem like this. Well, I can go on and on about the things you talked about in the poem and say how much I adore you, your strength, your bestfriend, and the friendship and the love of the two of you. I'll keep both of you in my prayers. Hope everything will go well for the both of you. <3

    --- MKKK

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