I have written a few Haiku's in my lifetime, I'm no pro and will never claim to be. Formed poetry is not my forte but it is fun to dabble in from time to time.
But I agree, a Haiku should be a snapshot from a camera's shutter, a slow blink of an eye... A small moment you capture within nature. I don't know the full details of Haiku's but I do believe to qualify it must be nature related. Which is why, of course, yours is not one.
I like the idea that your title can be interchanged within the poem if need be. Overall, nice work.
Your (not) haiku is the one that inspired me, so thank you
1 year ago
This kind of made me chuckle because of the teachy aspect of this. And to be honest I have never seen a haiku start out by having the word haiku in the first line. And I must admit I don't know much about the haiku form, as I have never delved deeper into it, but I feel like a haiku can be about anything, but a traditional haiku is about nature itself.
The first thing I must point out is about your note at the end, and I actually had no idea that a simile should not be used in a haiku form. So I learned something new there. I actually love this the more I read it.
The first line puts an idea about what this poem will be about in the readers mind, and like I said up there ^ This is kind of a teaching type poem. So you are wrong a haiku for sure, but I am interested to see what you say next, and that is what a haiku should be about, grabbing the reader and making them read more.
The second line- This is actually great continuation. The basic idea of a haiku is to capture a moment in time (in my opinion) usually reserved for the last line, the first two lines are usually the build up to the last line, you want to make the reader see that image, and picture it in their heads. And you have done that with
The third line- You brought the poem around. You gave the reader the image. And told us fully what the poem was about, capturing that image in time with a camera. But in reality you used a metaphor in your title: and really here you left the reader thinking. Well done all around.
Thanks for this in-depth comment on this 17 syllable Japanese style poem.
It's amazing how complex these short forms are. One day I'll spend the time to learn from others with more knowledge than me.