The visuals were perfect here and I loved the journey you took the reader on...I really was a lovely read.
One thing I think is wrong...
and mingles with loud thunder *I think it should be mingle*.
1 year ago
Nature poems when done well are some of the most beautiful poems ever. The story you told throughout here is well written, that along with the imagery you have created mix well. When dealing with a longer stanza poem it is always more difficult to form a story, but as I said you have done well because all of the sedoka stanza flow well together and you did well to use both characters point of view. I personally love the way you broke up the lines with the tanaka in the middle.
The story itself seems to be one of rebirth in a lot of ways. It seems like this goddess has had her feelings dormant for so long and she was waiting for someone to come along and awaken her. This almost feels like a fairytale in a lot of ways. This goddess was trapped in darkness for so long and then this prince comes along and shows her that it is okay to walk at midnight. I absolutely love the story.
There is a few things I would like to point out. First as hellon has said I believe the second stanza would read better as "mingle" instead of "mingles".
I personally think could get rid of the commas or change them to periods, because you are ending the stanzas it seems and with the commas you are not breaking up two sentences themselves and I don't think commas are well used to break up stanzas. but those are the only two things I see to an otherwise wonderful poem.
Your verses came alive for me. I adored the grace, intrigue and the mystique of the storm. There's a playfulness in this piece, a rhythm, and I just loved the idea of a wind goddess and a prince of rain. It really gave this poem spirit, as opposed to just being a nature poem, this felt like so much more. I felt an energy reading this!
So awesome that this was formed as well. This rocked, Meena :)