As I continue to traverse the vast expanse of the bitter sea,
I can't help but remain wary of the providence that guides me.
How can I trust the villainous heavens, or its malicious deities,
when they chain me to the cross-shaped anchor
that sinks deeper into the abyss of human suffering?
If I were to clarify what regrets I hold deepest,
it would be that I took risks and lived life vividly
like a monstrous moth drawn to the passions
of art, friendship, love and blessings -
I regret having known the light of the Sun!
I am truly unworthy of Ksitigarbha's endless compassion;
For when he pledged to delay his achieving of Buddhadom
until after all living things have been saved and the Hells are empty,
he surely did not expect impure ones such as I could exist,
who abandon their virtuosity and give way to our Heart's Devils.
Orthodoxy and heterodoxy have become sophistry now.
All I care about is sanctifying my own suffering,
to edify my internal devils with fallacious reasoning
so as to justify my self-destructive tendencies.
And I am bound to suffer, I have vowed to continue suffering,
and I do not wish to be free from suffering.
I have seen so much death that I crave not death nor peace any longer.
I yearn to return to the embrace of the Death Mother.
I wish to return to the Void Birthplace.
I crave an utter oblivion, to be ended as the world ends around me,
and even the memory of any language that could be used to describe me
also returned to the void.
I yearn to be so forgotten that no-one would be interested in even knowing
whether someone like me had ever been born at all.